Sportress of Blogitude

Carlos Gonzalez’s finger injury referred to as ‘fatty mass with tentacles’


Colorado Rockies outfielder Carlos Gonzalez has been dealing with a hand injury related to a growth on his left index finger. Rockies head athletic trainer Keith Dugger reported that the growth on CarGo’s left index finger was a giant cell tumor and it was removed during a surgical procedure on Tuesday.

The surgery was prompted by repeated swelling that comes and goes but ultimately landed Gonzalez on the 15-day disabled list last week.

In a completely nightmarish description that could inspire the activation of one’s gag reflex, Dugger characterized the tumor removed as a “fatty mass with tentacles.”

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Tentacles? What the what? Gonzalez goes in for surgery to have a tumor removed only for a creature befitting a scene from Hentai tentacle porn make its presence known? Good grief.

Gonzalez later described the growth as resembling a shrimp, but when he saw images of the tumor while still under the effects of the surgical anesthesia, he characterized it in yet another disgustingly unappetizing manner.

“It was something really creepy,” Gonzalez said, via “It might be a Cheeto, because I eat too many Cheetos.”

Aaaand I will never eat another Cheeto in my entire life. Okay, that’s a lie, but it may be a while.

Gonzalez simply is relieved the tumor that resembled an alien lifeform from a Ridley Scott sci-fi film is not part of him any longer.

I’m glad it’s gone and it’s not in my finger anymore,” Gonzalez said Wednesday, his arm in a sling. “I’ve got to take it day by day, little steps, and just try to get back on the field when I’m ready.”

Dugger later went into greater detail regarding the disturbing … um … whatever the hell it was.

“We’re calling it a giant cell tumor — it sounds scarier than it is,” Dugger said. “Besides a cyst, it’s probably the most common thing in a finger.

“But it had some branches off this little fatty mass that just didn’t look right. We’re not quite sure what it is. The one that comes off a little nerve, we’re calling it a neuroma [a tumor, usually benign], and the other looks like possibly a blood vessel, a thrombosis that just kind of hardened up.”

Estimated recovery time is expected to be about five weeks, perhaps sooner. But even when CarGo returns to good health and returns to the Rockies lineup, he’ll always bear the psychological scars when he pictures the Cheeto Alien Tentacle Shrimp creature that was incubating itself in his finger. Imagine the “Chestburster” creature from “Alien,” only coated in Cheeto cheese dust.