Sportress of Blogitude


Yep, Ultimate Tazer Ball is exactly as insane as its name would indicate (video)


Wow. Just wow. This can’t possibly be real. Can it?

Ladies and gentlemen, Ultimate Tazer Ball. Where men armed with tazers play some kind of hybrid soccer game with a ginormous ball while tazing players on the opposing team. What. The. Fungus.

Dubbed in the YouTube video (by way of BuzzFeed) as “The Future of Sport- Adrenaline, Action, Tactics, Tasers and TAZERS!!!!!” (they should have added two more “TAZERS!!!” at the end there, that way you could say it like the “SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!” exaltation in the manner that guy from the monster truck show commercials yells it), is described in the brief video description as follows:

Ultimate TAZER BALL Action!!!- Real Tasers, Real Action- The Future of Sport. The latest Extreme Action Sport- Filmed in Southern California- Check out the next event in Bangkok Thailand March 3rd-4th! -WWW.UTBLIVE.COM TASER!

Ha. Of course the next event will be held in Bangkok. I believe there might be a professional Russian Roulette League over there. Spots on rosters open up fast in that sport, believe me.

Also, I love how they throw in an extra “TASER!” at the end, like the guy who wrote the description has participated in one too many Tazer Ball matches and spontaneously hollers out “TASER!” involuntarily due to some brain spasm caused by fried synapses because he has been repetitively electrocuted in the name of the most insane and questionably idiotic “sports” ever. TASER!

To better acquaint yourself with this up-and-coming sport (good grief), video of a Ultimate Tazer Ball match, as well as some snippets from the 2012 UTB Rulebook follows.

First up, the overview, via UTB’s Official Site:

Ultimate Tazerball, from here on referred to as UTB, is a 4 on 4 action sport involving a 200’ x 85’ rectangular playing field, with one ball, 2 goals at opposing ends, and 8 Tazer apparatus. The following will be a detailed rulebook, covering on field play, safety regulations, equipment requirements, field regulation, and general player conduct, among other things. The Ultimate Tazerball league, conceived of by Leif Kellenberger, has been developed in conjunction with several industry partners (Erik Wunsch & Eric Prum) in order to bring a new, action packed team sport to the forefront of extreme sport. UTB incorporates 20th century technolgy with team strategy in an action packed game. UTB is a high-octane experience for both the participating athletes and spectators.

General Game Play, Required Gear/Equipment, Scoring, Game Time, etc. are all covered, but let’s get to the nitty gritty: when are these psychopaths allowed to taze each other:

tazing:  Defenders may only taze the player possessing the ball, and must not taze if the ball isn’t in clear possession of a player.

Well, that’s encouraging. It’s not like it’s a senseless orgy of tazing violence out there. This isn’t Nam, people. There are rules.

And finally, Impermissible Infractions (major penalty):

Impermissible Infractions (major penalty):

Kicking, punching with intent to hit player and not ball, tazing about the shoulders or in the groin (with intent), biting, spitting, or tripping. ANY behavior unbecoming of any professional UTB athlete will be assessed and subsequently punished at the discretion of the head referee who will have final say on all on-field occurrences and action.

No punching? See? Ultimate Tazer Ball is already more sophisticated than hockey! And thank goodness no tazing to the groin area. That would be barbaric.

Okay, you’ve read enough. Enjoy the video: