Sportress of Blogitude

Wes Welker Sings The Praises Of Tom Brady’s Awesome Toilet

(not actually Brady's toilet, but a reasonable approximation)

Among the more interesting and enlightening factoids to emerge from the wall-to-wall coverage at the Super Bowl is this little nugget from New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker, who took a moment to sing the praises of Tom Brady’s premier potty facilities.

According to Welker (via the Boston Herald’s Inside Track), Tom Brady has just about the best toilet in the world and there is no throne comparable due to all its bells and whistles:

“You go over and use his toilet, and you press this button, and it sprays water on you and all this stuff, and I’m like, ‘You gotta be kidding me.’” Wes told the press pack yesterday. “It’s heated, it’s all this stuff, and I’m like, ‘This is crazy.’”

Crazy, indeed. Clearly, Brady’s toilet has a built-in bidet, something somehow confirmed by the gossipy gals at Inside Track:

Well, the minute 83 divulged that gem we knew exactly what he was talking about! None other than the Toto Washlet Performance Toilet. The Cadillac Escalade of crappers. The potty di tutti potties.

Those are some awfully descriptive terms to describe toilets, so I’m not even going to bother to out-clever these ladies.

More on Brady’s bodacious and breathtaking bathroom setup follows.

There is a bevy of additional information in the story about the insane features some of these toilets have, including, in Inside Track’s words, “heated seats that open and close automatically, jets of heated water, blow drying for your butt and vacuum jets and perfume scents to capture and destroy unwanted odors.” Far out. Some apparently even feature mp3 players. For those extra-long sitting sessions, I reckon.

Question: since the brand of the toilet in question is Toto, wouldn’t it be perfect if the toilet played “Hold the Line” while you waited for the lid to open? And if not that song, how about “Rosanna”, you know, since it’s such a great tune.

Moving on, Welker even admits to wanting to pop in over at Brady’s house just to use the toilet (via

“He’s going to be mad at me for bringing that up. He’s always so humble and so everything,” Welker said. “I don’t know, sometimes I just want to go over to his house and use the restroom. … He lives a good life.”

Welker is certainly right on that score. Bundchen and bidets: it doesn’t get much better than that.