Sportress of Blogitude

‘The Gronk Song’ Might Have Killed Rap Music (Video)

The Gronk Song? I’ll take “Thong Song” and stick with that, thank you very much.

Vanilla Ice tried. “Macho Man” Randy Savage tried. Boy, did he ever try (may he rest in peace). The dangerous tandem of Will Smith and MC Hammer nearly pulled it off. And those are just some of the few who have given it the old college try. Tons of performers — both well-known and unknown — have attempted to serve up the lyrics and beats that would serve as the death knell to rap/hip hop music, but perhaps none have come so close as the individual behind “The Gronk Song” (via The Big Lead), a song obviously dedicated to New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski.

A sampling of the rhymes dropped:

Who’s that man Gronkowski?
If the end zone was a home he’d have a house key.
6 foot 6 he’s never been in any danger,
even though 3 years ago he was a teen ager.

Shopping for him must be hard to do
cause he wears a massive size 16 shoe.
He went to college in arizona
calls Bibi Jones when he gets a Gronk boner

Who’s that man? That’s Rob Gronk?
What’s he gonna do? He aint gonna stop
Let us enjoy the show that commences
as he destroy’s opposing defenses.

If he was alive in 1775
no revolution would be needed to survive.
British soldiers with just one glance
would run back home with wet underpants.

You know, I suppose I should give the guy a break. He’s simply a person doing his gosh-darned bet to express his admiration for one of his (presumably) favorite NFL players. That’s the danger of YouTube, I suppose. It turns one man’s secret hobby into fodder for snarky bloggers like me. Perhaps I should just step off. Just step off.

And you know what? It’s not like I could do much better. Boy, now my face just got redder. And if you don’t believe me, you better. My baby she wrote me a letter. She’s a real go-getter. My favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character is Shredder. Something something Eddie Vedder. Word.