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Wake N’ Blog: Armed With Firecracker (DERP!), Man Threatens To Blow Up Store

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• Fail. Dressed in straw hat, glasses, a white shirt and khaki shorts, 61-year-old Jesse James (ha) Lyons entered the Bed, Bath & Beyond store in Boynton Beach, Florida and after attempting to rob the joint, threatened to blow up the store. To let people know he was serious, Lyons lifted his shirt to reveal a firecracker stuffed into his waistband. Yep. Fail. [msnbc]

• Hoo boy: ladies and gentlemen, a video compilation used to create the national anthem of your nightmares. [With Leather]

•Is Elin Nordegren planning to get married question mark? [Off the Bench]

•Braves utility man Eric Hinske got himself a mohawk in hopes it will turn around Atlanta’s season. I’m sure it will change everything. [Larry Brown Sports]

•Video which confirms that standing over a fellow lacrosse player and taunting him might culminate with getting kicked in the balls. [Bob’s Blitz]

•WOOOO! Ric Flair visited Fenway Park. [Busted Coverage]

• Nike’s new LeBron 9 shoe is going to be expensive. [Sharapova’s Thigh]

• YAY! LOLNFL for Week 2! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• A soccer player accidentally broke his coach’s hand during a match. [Outside the Boxscore]

• Five retired athletes who could get work in a freak show. [Unathletic]

The Onion Headline of the Day: (Video) New Psychedelic Weight Loss Drug Transforms Food Into Monstrous Hallucinations