Sportress of Blogitude

Guest Post From Samerochocinco: ‘A 2011 NFL QB Battle Guide’

Allow me to welcome my pal samerochocinco to the Sportress for a guest post. You might be familiar with samerochocinco as the man behind the brilliant work at the now defunct Second-String Fullback and his commentary on sports sites all over the interwebs. You can also follow him on Twitter (@samer_k). So give him a hearty S.O.B. welcome and please enjoy his 2011 NFL QB Battle Guide.

Let’s be real; very rarely are there any winners in an NFL quarterback battle. Sure, you will get the very occasional Vick/Kolb “dilemma,” but for the most part, it’s usually something like a competition between John Skelton, Max Hall and Derek Anderson. You could discern a lot from the fact that I could use Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb’s last names with you knowing who they are, but if I wrote Skelton/Hall/Anderson, it would take a little bit of time to recognize them. There’s a reason for that.

Most of the time, no established starting quarterback before the beginning of the regular season will result in a lack of real direction and an average record at best.  I’m here to take you through the lucky teams who will be facing these issues this NFL season and try to sort out the most likely winner out of each team. Oh yeah, one final note: I won’t use any statistics. U MAD, Football Outsiders?

Team: Washington Redskins

Possible starting QBs: Rex Grossman, John Beck

Rex Grossman is a very shrewd guy. By putting out claims that his team will win the NFC East even though they seem favorites to finish in last, it gives him exposure by the media and makes them display his “leadership” via his loud mouth to the public. He’s already in the lead by taking that initiative. John Beck played well in his game against the Colts while Grossman didn’t do as well, but the contest isn’t over just yet. Grossman has already taken a big step towards the starting spot by pushing his name out there with sound bites and decent preseason play.

Winner: Grossman

Team: Jacksonville Jaguars

Possible starting QBs: Blaine Gabbert, David Garrard

The battle of who will hand it off to Maurice Jones-Drew 80% of the time! That seven-year, $60 million extension for Garrard after one playoff win in 2008 was clearly a great use of money. Have fun with that. Letting Mike Sims-Walker leave was an intelligent decision, too. I digress about Jacksonville’s past terrible decisions. Gabbert isn’t ready, and Jacksonville won’t leave him out there to play with impossible-to-cover deep threat receivers like Jason Hill and Kassim Osgood. Garrard will be placed there to get battered in order for the Jaguars to plan for next season.

Winner: Garrard

Team: Carolina Panthers

Possible starting QBs: Jimmy Clausen, Cam Newton

“Hey kids, let’s go see a Carolina Panthers game! Jimmy Clausen has been making this team exciting!” – No one

Cam Newton will put butts in seats. Clausen won’t and has no brilliant history in Carolina to make his case. It doesn’t matter if Newton isn’t completely ready, because he will start.

Winner: Newton

Team: Miami Dolphins

Possible starting QBs: Chad Henne, Garbage Can With A Helmet, Matt Moore

The Garbage Can With A Helmet is definitely a contender to take over the spot held by Henne, who looks like he will literally implode by the end of the preseason due to constant booing. Moore’s not happy to be behind Garbage Can With A Helmet in the depth chart, but right now Tony Sparano is saying that Garbage Can With A Helmet is definitely the backup and can improve from there with a good showing before the regular season. Merril Hoge really likes Garbage Can With A Helmet too, but I think that’s just because Garbage Can With A Helmet had no turnovers in a game against the Steelers. Hoge is such a Pittsburgh homer.

Winner: Garbage Can With A Helmet (fantasy sleeper alert!!!!)

Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Possible starting QBs: Andy Dalton, Bruce Gradkowski, Jordan Palmer

Can the Bengals handle another redhead? Does anyone think Carson Palmer will come back at some point this season for fun? Actually, has Carson just pretended to be his brother Jordan and spied on the team to make his comeback based on how good Cincinnati looks? The answer to those questions is “no one cares” (and a “maybe” for that last one) because Bruce Gradkowski will be starting. Mark it. The Polish Rifle is the true answer.

Alright, he probably won’t start, but it’s a bad decision to leave him on the bench. Seriously, I don’t understand why Gradkowski doesn’t get more starting time on teams. He led upsets over teams like the Steelers and the Bengals (when they were good two seasons ago) while he was in Oakland. He also has a good arm when healthy and doesn’t turn the ball over often. Gradkowski could definitely complement Cedric Benson’s rushing game. Dalton will probably be rushed in (even though he clearly isn’t ready), but Bruce would be the smarter decision for the start of the season. Whoa, did I just end this post with some serious analysis?? Quick, I need to make a joke about boobs or something before the decis-

Winner: Dalton, but it should be Gradkowski. Dumb Bengals

Follow samerochocinco on twitter at @samer_k