My Foolproof Plan To Eradicate ‘Smells Like A Rose’ Etc. References To Derrick Rose
Yes, we get it. Derrick Rose is having a remarkable season, MVP worthy, even, and more than any player in the NBA, the Chicago Bulls point guard deserves all the attention and accolades he is currently receiving in print, on ESPN, on blogs, message boards and, I don’t know, backroom, illegal cockfighting rings. And yes we also get that his last name is Rose, the same as the flower which is a member of the Rosaceae family.
Further, we understand that there are a bevy of possible references one can lazily make about Derrick Rose simply by incorporating popular sayings, song lyrics, etc. which permeate the English language regarding said flower. Obviously, “smells like a rose” is an oft-overused one. But we also have the abundance of references to Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” song anytime Rose uses the backboard on a layup. And then there’s that SportsCenter anchor, whats-his-name – Chris Evert, I think – who has completely bastardized the song “Ramblin’ Rose” every time he does Bulls highlights.
The point is: enough is enough. It’s played. So…played. So I came up with a foolproof plan to permanently eradicate “rose as a flower” references from the sportswriting/broadcasting lexicon as it pertains to Derrick Rose:
Have Bette Midler serenade Derrick Rose immediately with the title song from the 1979 film which earned Ms. Midler an Oscar nomination for Best Actress: The Rose. It doesn’t matter when, where or under what circumstances this will occur, if it happens, we could very likely never hear the inane reference again.
No, really. It will work. Bear with me.
To wit: here are the lyrics to “The Rose” as well as a video for people who cannot read, although I wonder how those of you who are illiterate have even made it this far.
Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.
It’s the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin’
that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose.
Are you with me still? Good. Okay, let’s recap: incredibly cheesy, emotionally manipulative and overly melodramatic, hardly a song which some smarmy sportswriter/announcer who is trying to be hip, clever and puntastic would ever wish be associated. Perfect. Here’s my thought: any person who witnesses the awkwardness of watching an aging Midler belt out this song to Derrick Rose, who is very likely to appear very uncomfortable himself, would cause those people to hopefully experience some level of cognitive dissonance involving associating rose references to this hard to watch scenario.
And if that doesn’t work, I have an alternative idea: forcing people to watch the above video of “The Rose” spliced with highlights of Derrick Rose’s superb play interspersed, utilizing the below apparatus:
A tad harsh, you say? Perhaps. But these people need to be stopped.