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Lance Armstrong Retires, Americans Don’t Have To Pretend To Barely Care About Cycling Anymore

(Yawn) And do you know what? Not having to act like I even have a halfhearted, remote, passing interest in cycling anymore feels…great. Quite liberating, really.

Said the pedaling prima donna in a statement (via Reuters):

“Today, I am announcing my retirement from professional cycling in order to devote myself full-time to my family, to the fight against cancer and to leading the foundation I established before I won my first Tour de France.”

So there you have it. Armstrong retired. Again. Color me totally unimpressed and completely uninterested. In fact, I can barely conjure up faux shock, dismay or sadness, and I am a master of artificially enhanced outbursts of emotion…

HEY! I ASKED FOR CREAM, NOT HALF & HALF, IDIOT DENNY’S WAITRESS!!!

(throws coffee cup, starts sobbing)

See? It’s a gift. And I got a free Moons Over My-Hammy to boot. It’s a good deal. Oh, and best of luck to Lance Armstrong in all his future endeavors or whatever.

Armstrong confirms retirement [Reuters]