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Sportswriter/Crappy Novelist Mitch Albom Would Like You To Shake Dat Ass

We’re playing a little catch-up this morning here at the Sportress after my sick day yesterday and this bizarre column courtesy of large-eared Detroit Free Press sportswriter Mitch Albom from Sunday’s edition of the paper was, well, far too odd not to mention.

Ladies and gentlemen: Mitch Albom is obsessed with asses, as well as our supposed obsession with asses. I think.

In his column, “Shake that thing is new year tradition,” Albom attempts to deconstruct America’s obsession with asses. Why, and how this issue have anything to do with sports is beyond me. But his ass, er, attention-grabbing intro compelled me to read on:

It’s a new year. Let’s talk about your butt.

You heard me. Your butt. Your caboose. Your posterior. Your cakes.

Intrigued, yet slightly mortified, I read on. Here’s how Albom concludes his piece on ass:

And now the silly season is back: It’s January, and the infatuation begins anew. Tighten the tail. Chisel the cheeks. Beautify the bum.

Too bad we never put this attention on our brains. Can you imagine a month every year where people went crazy trying to tighten their logic, chisel their analysis, sculpt their IQs? You wouldn’t have to buy sneakers or jeans. Maybe some carrots.

Alas, it’s not to be. January is for bringing up the rear. We can only wait until this annual insanity fades, the calendar advances, and we go back to doing with our butts what the good Lord intended.

Sitting on them.

Jeez, Albom, so much focus on the butt. What kind of twisted, ass-obsessed fetish is he exploring here? Wait. Check that. I don’t want to know. I suppose all we can hope for is Albom doesn’t choose to further pontificate on the butt in his next sappy, emotionally manipulative novel. The world does not need Tuesdays With Morrie’s Rump, The Five Asses I’d Like To Tap In Heaven, For One More Butt, or Have A Little Ass. For obvious reasons.

Shake that thing is new year tradition [Detroit Free Press]