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J.R.R. Tolkien Ain’t Got Nothing On Ryan Leaf: Epic Bust To Write Trilogy About Life

The Fellowship of the Pills? The Two Codeines? The Return of the Pillpopper? Boy, do those stink or what? But come on, man, I’m doing my best here. And it was, like, hard and stuff.

Horribly weak attempts at Tolkien-esque references aside, Ryan Leaf, one of the most colossal busts in the history of the NFL, has an agreement with Crimson Oak Publishing to write a three-book series about his life, a tragic tale of untapped potential, epic failures and a buttload of ill-begotten prescription painkillers.

The first book will focus on his successful college career as a Washington State Cougar, with the second and third books of the series focusing on, um, the less successful periods of his life, which pretty much consists of every waking moment of every day the minute after he was drafted second overall in the 1998 NFL draft by the San Diego Chargers and the downward spiral into drug-addled despair which followed, including, but not limited to, taking a leave of absence from his coaching job at West Texas A&M after he allegedly asked one of his players for a painkiller pill to his subsequent arrest at the U.S.-Canada border in June of 2009 on drug and burglary charges.

But allow us to hit the high notes first. Here’s how the publisher and Leaf are touting the first book (via Sporting News):

“The fact Ryan is going to put his story in print is no small development,” says Erik Johnson, CEO of Crimson Oak Publishing. “When his promising NFL career came to a disappointing end after just four seasons, Ryan kept a low profile. In many ways, he put a shell around himself.”

“It will cover four years, from the moment I decided to attend Washington State up through our Rose Bowl appearance in 1998,” Leaf said. “For Cougar fans, it will be an entertaining, behind-the-scenes journey through a fascinating time in the school’s football history. For sports fans generally, it will offer an unvarnished look at the world of college athletics, good and bad. The aim is not to glorify the sport or our very special 1997 WSU team, but to put a light on the powerful stories, colorful characters and some of the shenanigans behind one of our country’s most beloved weekend pastimes.”

Sounds fascinating. But if you ask me, the second and third volumes will undoubtedly be much more compelling reads. We crave drama, tragedy, downfalls and the like, not the happy, saccharine material. But as an aside, Leaf’s books detailing his life story will certainly be far more interesting than anything that Peyton Manning, whom Leaf will be inextricably tied to for the rest of his life, would ever write about regarding his boring ass, vanilla life. I mean, what would a Peyton Manning autobiography contain? How much of a turd Jim Nantz can be during the shooting of moronic Sony commercials? How Kenny Chesney enjoys long walks on the beach and just talking? What Eli does with his boogers? How Cooper Manning can burp the alphabet? I’m sorry, but I’ll have to side with Leaf on this one. For once.

Ryan Leaf to write three books on college, pro career [Sporting News]