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Olympics

Olympic Swimmer Amanda Beard To Pen Memoir With The Sappiest. Title. Ever.

Oh, did I mention Ms. Beard is not only a gold medal-winning Olympian, she has also dabbled in swimsuit modeling and posed for Playboy? Yep.

Nevertheless, despite Ms. Beard’s contributions to the Olympics, Maxim and internet horndoggery, the title of her memoir, slated for release in April 2012, has the most maudlin, heavy-handed, tug-at-the-heartstrings title of a book since, I don’t know, the unreleased Nicholas Sparks memoir, I Give Up: I Can’t Keep Writing This Drivel…And Here’s a Hint – The Chick Dies In This One.

The title of Beard’s upcoming memoir: In the Water They can’t See You Cry. Hoo boy.

Via AP:

Touchstone announced Tuesday that Beard is working on a memoir that will tell of her life away from the pool, a “harrowing journey” through drugs, alcohol and eating disorders.

The 29-year-old Beard won Olympic gold medals in 1996 and 2004.

Beard says she hopes her memoir “will help others, especially high school and college-aged women, who may be dealing with some of the same issues.”

By no means do I intend to belittle Beard’s difficult life nor the inspiration it may provide to those who read it – in fact, as an aside, I read an article about Beard’s troublesome adolescence in People one time when I was waiting to meet with my personal trainer (okay, it was while I was getting a pedicure and no polish manicure, but still) – and her journey it took to become the woman she is today, was harrowing indeed. But In The Water They Can’t See You Cry? Seriously? That’s approaching Lifetime Original Movie title territory there. If she wanted to go with the swimming/water metaphor, how about something more motivational, say, Coming Up For Air or even Michael Phelps Is A Big Gangly Idiot?

In any event, with the title already chosen, I can see Beard’s memoir easily getting turned into the aforementioned Lifetime Original Movie. Valerie Bertinelli better get in even better shape than she is in now, although she might be getting a little bit up there in years for this role. Who’s the hot young Lifetime gal now? Kellie Martin, maybe? Nah, she’s in her mid-30s now. How about Danica McKellar, a/k/a Winnie Cooper? Now that’s a gal I could see pulling this role off without a hitch. It’s too bad Beard’s story hadn’t taken place in an earlier era, because given the water theme, Natalie Wood so could have nailed it.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard writing memoir [AP]