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It’s Moments Like These When I Fully Realize The Cockeyed Genius Of Norman Chad

I’ll admit: I have had some fun here at the Sportress from time to time by lightly making fun of nationally syndicated columnist Norman Chad, but I would like to point out that it was all in good fun. In fact, I consider myself quite the fan of Chad’s unique brand of humor and take on the sports world at large. Further, the the fact that his salary pales in comparison to the obscene amount of money ESPN threw at Rick Reilly is borderline criminal. Chad is a far superior writer: where Reilly is droll, Chad is witty; where Reilly is derivative, Chad is quintessentially original; where Reilly is hackneyed, trite and borderline idiotic, Chad is entertaining, thoughtful and always hilarious.

I am always excited when a new Chad column comes across my feed reader and today I am especially grateful to the “Poor Man’s Rick Reilly” and his brilliant column playfully mocking ESPN entitled, “You know that ESPNHS will be a classy operation.”

The preamble (via the Cleveland Plain Dealer):

As part of its expanding empire, ESPN — as has been rumored for years — is moving into the academic arena. ESPN High School (to be known as ESPNHS) will open in fall 2011 at a yet-to-be-determined location, with an ESPNHS slated to come to your city by 2020.

ESPNHS will prepare its students for the complex world of sports and the even more complex world of ESPN. ESPNHS graduates will have a leg up not only on job opportunities in and around Bristol, Conn., but also anywhere there is a flat screen.

Some sample course offerings as envisioned by Chad follow.

Basic Sideline Reporting: Suzy Kolber and sideline reporter emeritus Dr. Jerry Punch give tips on reporting, interviewing, research and wardrobe, including the most comfortable shoes to wear. Final exam: Working a Thursday night WAC football game in bad weather.

Intermediate Sideline Reporting: Erin Andrews on how to parlay asking Frank Beamer about halftime adjustments into a high-profile entertainment career.

Jaws: Analyzing football is not just a weekend pursuit, it’s a lifetime commitment. The preeminent voice of football-speak, Ron Jaworski, breaks down X’s and O’s and details how to incorporate Cover 2 into your daily routine. Includes field trip to NFL Films vault in Mount Laurel, N.J.

Mike and Mike in the Evening: Adult-ed night-school course taught by Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic. Class times vary, dependent on whether Mike and Mike’s wives let them out of the house.

Chris Berman’s America: The popular, iconic sportscaster creates a nickname for every state, plus Washington, D.C., Guam, Puerto Rico, the Northern Mariana Islands and the Virgin Islands.

Trey Wingo: The Man: This twice-weekly colloquium examines all 47 years of his life.

ESPN High School Musical: Boy meets girl. Sexual harassment suit follows.

Ha! Well played, Mr. Chad. Yet another brilliant example of all that is awesomely entertaining about the whimsical musings of the Couch Slouch. More of this kind of stuff, please.

You know that ESPNHS will be a classy operation [Cleveland Plain Dealer]