Sportress of Blogitude

The Sportress Of Blogitude’s NFL Halloween Weekend Preview Horrorfest

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Well, well, well, all you little ghosts, ghouls, goblins and Garanimals out there (What? I find the concept of easily coordinated children’s clothing simply terrifying…just me?) – All Hallows’ Eve is upon us once again, providing a brief opportunity to allow our macabre sensibilities to come out and play a bit.

Of course, it is universally understood that allowing our sinister sides out of their cages for a spell should only be done within an acceptable set of guidelines. The world has no need for any more Jeffrey Dahmers or Ed Geins terrorizing innocent Wisconsinites, so there certainly has to be a limit to the evilness we should feel comfortable unleashing upon our unsuspecting friends, family and neighbors.

Perhaps assisting us with tempering our respective, individual nefarious nature and whatever way it manifests is the fact that we football fans have a full slate of NFL action on Halloween to help us get through the day and night with hopefully more treats than tricks. That’s where the Sportress of Blogitude’s NFL Halloween Weekend Preview Horrorfest comes in. If I could, allow me to take a quick look at a few of the compelling games on the schedule for Halloween Sunday, incorporating some of my personal favorite horror flicks along the way.

So grab your plastic pumpkin, inflate your favorite Kooky Spooks head and follow me into the dastardly depths of the horror house that is the Sportress…IF YOU DARE!

Minnesota Vikings (2-4) at New England Patriots (5-1)
Gillette Stadium
4:15 p.m. ET (FOX)

The storylines in play in this particular matchup are too numerous to count, primarily the return of Randy Moss to Foxborough. Moss’ goal is to without a doubt to wreak havoc on his former teammates like Freddy Krueger’s return to Springwood, Ohio in A Nightmare on Elm Street, exacting brutal revenge on those who wronged him: Tom Brady in the role of pretty boy Johnny Depp (sans waterbed scene, hopefully), and Bill Belichick playing the part of the alcoholic mother, who, through his arrogance and stubbornness (going for it on 4th down again? The heck?), nearly dooms those who he was supposed to protect. Or coach, in this instance. Work with me here.

And then we come to – sigh – Brett Favre. It remains to be seen whether the Re-Animator’s (a/k/a Dr. James Andrews) efforts have been enough to keep Favre’s surgically repaired ankle loose and limber enough to trudge out onto the field on Sunday despite his most recent injury and not end up being carried off the field in a body bag. Otherwise, it is entirely possible a scene straight out of Evil Dead II could play out where Favre’s foot becomes possessed like Bruce Campbell’s hand, which could then proceed to terrorize the Gunslinger straight into retirement.

S.O.B. NFL Halloween Weekend Preview Spooktacular Rating:

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4) at Dallas Cowboys (1-5)
Cowboys Stadium
1:00 p.m. ET  (CBS)

This was a tricky one, but I’m going with a reference to The Devil’s Rejects, with Jerry Jones as the Devil referenced in the title of the Rob Zombie gorefest and the Cowboys players, well, sadly – at least to Cowboys fans – they are the Rejects. I suppose that makes Wade Phillips the Captain Spaulding in this scenario (as an aside, Sid Haig is a national treasure, but Wade Phillips is a much better dancer). Even better, any reason to bring up the lovely Sheri Moon Zombie, who absolutely killed in The Devil’s Rejects, is good enough for me. What does she have to do with this preview? Nothing, really. Absolutely nothing at all. Run with it.

And much like the Firefly family in the cult classic, the Cowboys own reckless, devil-may-care attitude regarding how the “family” is run serves up its own tragic downfall as the team goes down in a blaze of glory that serves no purpose except to thrill and delight others.

Oh, the Jaguars, you ask? Nothing much to add here, other than if there is one franchise which needs the service of The Exorcist, it sure as heck is this much-maligned, lost organization. I swear I saw Jack Del Rio’s head spin on the sideline once just like Linda Blair’s. Creepy.

S.O.B. NFL Halloween Weekend Preview Spooktacular Rating:

Green Bay Packers (4-3) at New York Jets (5-1)
New Meadowlands Stadium
1:00 p.m. ET (FOX)

“SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!”

S.O.B. NFL Halloween Weekend Preview Spooktacular Rating:

So, there you have it, folks. A brief overview of all the devilish treats the NFL has in store for you on Sunday. Kick back with some pals, preferably you don’t count any of the undead among your closest friends, pour yourself one of the tasty little concoctions me and my friends came up with years ago: the Schtick & Schliff, which is a delightful witch’s brew made with Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum, Dr. Pepper and a slice of lime. Enjoy. And have yourself a wicked Halloween. Be sure to make it legendary!

CAPTAIN MORGAN Original Spiced Rum. Puerto Rican Rum With Spices And Other Natural Flavors. 35% Alc/Vol. ©2010 Captain Morgan Rum Co., Norwalk, CT.  Drink Responsibly – Captain’s Orders!®