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Norman Chad Pens Ode To ‘Who Are The Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This One?’ Bit

To read a Norman Chad-written column is to take a twisted journey through the mind of the most irreverent oddball working in the sportswriting business. A sports journalism Everyman, if you will. Oftentimes, you finish reading something by Chad and wonder, “He actually gets paid handsomely to write this stuff?” But then, after pondering this head-scratcher for a moment or two, you arrive at the conclusion that if Rick Reilly can make millions off the derivative drivel he routinely cranks out for ESPN, there should at least be a little scratch left aside for the Norman Chads of the world. Then you are left to simply enjoy the meandering, nonsensical genius that is Norman Chad.

In his most recent column, Chad takes advertisers to task for all the crap they churn out for commercials which are aired during broadcasts of NFL games. Of course, while reading it, I could not help but think about the classic SNL skit, “Stand Up & Win”. Nevertheless, Chad, in full  wiseacre mode, lets these titans of commerce have it. And believe you me, no company wants Norman Chad to lock in his cockeyed sights on their product.

To wit (via Cleveland.com):

AT&T: “Rethink Possible.” I don’t even know what that means. All I know is the original AT&T once was a monopoly and made a cazillion dollars and, nowadays, the newfangled AT&T still makes a cazillion dollars. So while we’re “rethinking possible,” I think they’re re-depositing our money.

McDonald’s: “I’m lovin’ it.” A great thing about living in L.A. is — with In-N-Out Burger on one corner and Fatburger on another — I’m actually driving right by McDonald’s and lovin’ it.

Coca-Cola Zero: “Real Coke taste and zero calories.” No — not-quite real Coke taste and zero calories. Big difference.

Pizza Hut: “New Lower Prices.” Geez, I loved your prices before — why mess with a good thing? Ford: “Drive one.” I did. Now I’ll drive the Honda I bought.

U.S. Bank: “All of us serving you.” Well, if everybody is serving me, won’t that create quite a bank line with the rest of your customers waiting for help?

The Home Depot: “More savings. More doing.” Ah, yes, but if I do nothing, I save even more.

Xerox: “Ready for real business.” I’m not sure what real business is, but I want in.

Wendy’s: “You know when it’s real.” So, first, I guess, I can do some real business with Xerox and then I can get some real food from Wendy’s. And if I’m lucky, they’re in the same strip mall.

Edward Jones: “Make sense of investing.” The only sense of investing I make is this: Gordon Gekko still wins, the rest of us still lose.

Burger King: “Have It Your Way.” My way would be having Anthony Bourdain or Mario Batali cook me all my meals at BK prices.

Lovaza: “The prescription that starts in the sea.” I’m not sure what this medication does, but one of its possible side effects is burping, and Couch Slouch loves to burp.

KFC: “Double down.” I know they’ve been trying to shift away from their signature fried chicken, but KFC’s now offering blackjack? I’m in!

Capital One: “What’s in your wallet?” Your hand.

Head & Shoulders: “Fuller, thicker- looking hair in one week!” Actually, I think I need Miracle-Gro.

Red Lobster: “Endless Shrimp.” I am in Las Vegas at the moment, about a mile from a Red Lobster, and though I’m tempted to drive over there, I always wonder where all those endless shrimp are coming from in the middle of the desert.

Lowe’s: “Let’s Build Something Together.” Frankly, I’d rather have somebody build something for me while I’m sleeping or scratching myself.

Progressive: “The freedom to name your price.” Something tells me you cannot say, “I want auto insurance for $1.95 a month,” and expect a really, really good plan.

Delta: “Keep Climbing.” Keep climbing? How ‘bout, “Keep Climbing Walls While You Wait In The Gate Area For Your Delayed Delta Flight?”

Bud Light: “Here We Go.” I’m not sure where you’re going, but can you pick me up a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon on your way back?

Nissan: “Shift the way you move.” Alas, I don’t move.

Ha. How very droll. Indeed, these companies were certainly rife for parody and who better to give them a little comeuppance than the self-admitted Couch Slouch? However, there is one thing that troubles me about almost every Chad column: he’s taking money right out of bloggers’ pockets. Leave something for us, Norman Chad. You’re old media! Halfhearted, throwaway columns are our territory. Now buzz off!

Recent batch of ads don’t add up: The Book of Norman [Cleveland.com]