Lance Armstrong Is A One-Testicled Baby-Making Machine
Livestrong? More like Procreatestrong, amirite?
Earlier this morning, Lance Armstrong announced via Twitter (of course) that he and his girlfriend, Anna Hansen, are the proud parents of Baby Olivia, born sometime around 2:00 a.m. ET. A subsequent tweet by Armstrong linked to a photo of the adorable, bouncing baby girl.
This is Armstrong’s second child with Hansen and his fifth overall. Perhaps the most interesting aspect regarding Armstong’s most recent addition to his brood and yet another testament to the wonders of modern science is the fact that this is the second child sired by the cyclist since undergoing treatment for testicular cancer, something which resulted in Armstrong losing one of his testicles (his first three children were conceived via sperm Armstrong “banked” prior to undergoing treatment in 1996.
As you may have heard, Baby Olivia has her own Twitter account (@cincoarmstrong), which currently has 3,481 followers, illustrating that a child born less than 24 hours ago is even more popular in the world of social media than I am. Sigh.
So there you have it, guys. Armstrong is a one-nutted procreating dynamo while you’re left with your full compliment of testes wasting your time and sperm making baby batter deposits in the tube sock you dug out of the hamper which you erroneously refer to as a sperm bank. Come on, guys, start impregnating some women. Don’t let this Armstrong guy one-up you again.
Cycling legend Lance Armstrong welcomes fifth child [New York Post]