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Blatant Homerism

Living Lighter: Jared Allen Needs A New Attention-Grabbing Sack Celebration

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One would suspect that after doing it for so long, the celebration Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen does after sacking a quarterback, which involves him going down on one knee and proceeding to simulate that he is roping an imaginary calf, had been deemed an acceptable, albeit silly, way of reveling in the moment. Unfortunately, the arbitrary way the NFL metes out its policies can be frustratingly inconsistent, and that has been proven once again as the league has informed Allen that he is not allowed to do the sack celebration any longer due to its being in violation of an archaic NFL rule. But the mulleted, oddball Allen has been doing his little routine on the gridiron for seven years…and now the rule is enforced? That’s kooky talk!

The rule, which states that players are not allowed to go to the ground during a celebratory routine, was subsequently clarified by an NFL spokesman in an e-mail to the Star Tribune, which read:

“The Vikings were informed by Vice President of Officiating Carl Johnson that Jared Allen’s demonstration, in which he goes to the ground on one knee, is unsportsmanlike conduct as defined by NFL rules. Rule 12, Section 3, Article 1 (d) of the NFL Rule Book states: ‘Players are prohibited from engaging in any celebrations while on the ground.’ Demonstrations of this kind by any player will result in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (loss of 15 yards) and are subject to potential fines.”

Of course, the good-natured goofball took the news in stride, and while stating that he will respect the NFL’s enforcement of the above rule, he will not be abandoning his fantasy calf wrangling completely. It just might need to be modified a bit.

Via the Star Tribune:

“Yeah, I just figured after seven years of doing it … but hey whatever,” Allen said Monday. “Rules are rules I guess.

“I’m going to carry some cardboard with me and just slide it underneath my knee,” he said. “It’s legal right?

“I ain’t just going to give it up,” he said.

As he shouldn’t. Although I’d hate to break it to Allen, mostly because I’d be terrified to say anything to upset the man – he’s a little “off” if you know what I mean – but I am pretty sure that the NFL does not look fondly upon prop comedy in any iteration, which, incidentally, is precisely why Carrot Top has been banned from every NFL stadium. Well, I think that’s why. Could be a multitude of other, more frightening reasons, I suppose.

But this development leaves Allen in a bit of a conundrum. How can he harness his country boy, rodeo-loving mentality into a celebration which the No Fun League will not find objectionable? Off the top of my head (which does not sport a mullet, by the way), here’s a few ideas:

  • Jared the Rodeo Clown: he already has the clownish hair for it, so after he sacks an opposing quarterback, Allen should run to the sideline and jump into one of those barrels where they store game balls. Put a red nose on  and he’d be good to go.
  • Jared the Bull Rider: instead of calf-roping, why doesn’t Allen instead bum rush head coach Brad Childress, jump on his back and start hooting and hollering while the chrome-domed Childress angrily tries to buck him off? I’d think we’d all like to see that one put into practice. Yee-haw!
  • Jared the Mutton Buster: one of the more amusing activities seen at a typical rodeo, Allen hops on an unsuspecting referee’s back and rides him around the field. Still, if I were Allen, I wouldn’t try this move on Ed “The Gun Show” Hochuli. In the role of the sheep, Jared’s got nothin’ on that mutton.

You know what? The above moves are just as likely to result in fines and 15-yard-penalties as well, plus two of them involve one grown man climbing on the back of another grown man, and that’s not good for anybody. On second thought, maybe the NFL should just let Allen stick with his original, inoffensive and whimsical sack celebration. If I can come up with the above three myself, who knows what the goofball that is Jared Allen might invent.

Jared Allen: 15 yards for unnecessary roping [Star Tribune]
Allen will alter celebration but wonders why it’s an issue [Star Tribune]