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Yet Another Feature ESPN.com Can Shove Up Its Bandwagon Ass

I hate to beat a dead horse (sorry Real Quiet, you will be missed), but as they are wont to do recently, tWWL is hellbent on hopping on bandwagons and by doing so, are ripe for parody.  Yesterday, the Sportress alerted you to the upcoming ESPN.com feature “Heat Index,” a completely separate page devoted to all things Miami Heat which is set to debut on the site shortly.

Now before I continue, I would like to point out as I did yesterday that I am aware that ESPN.com is not a sentient being capable of shoving things up its ass. Not to mention the fact that websites probably don’t even have asses, and if they did, how are we to ascertain whether or not a particular website enjoys being violated in an extremely uncomfortable place? But then again, who knows what kind of things occur in cyberspace beyond our scope of understanding? You have seen Tron, right? Because if there’s one being in cyberspace who would get off by watching Users violate themselves anally, it’s surely Master Control Program.

Jesus, there I go again, off on some tangent about website’s buttholes. What’s my deal lately? Anyhoo, back to my original point. ESPN.com has not surprisingly one-upped themselves in the stupidity department with another humdinger of a moronic bit which will sadly be an ongoing feature on SportsCenter‘s blog:

Assigning songs by artists to be featured on an upcoming episode of Glee to NFL teams.

What. The. Hell.

If you like crappy television programming, you are undoubtedly aware that the much anticipated and ballyhooed “Britney Spears Episode” debuted last night. Myself? I was far too busy to tune in. I was switching between watching a rerun of Chopped on the Food Network and watching paint dry.

The point is, the folks behind the SportsCenter blog thought it would be a hoot to hop on the Glee bandwagon about 6 months too late. Why don’t I allow the blog wizards who came up with this one explain this latest atrocity:

Last Tuesday, the second season of “Glee” premiered. And we took that opportunity to ask the question, “if NFL teams randomly burst into songs like those kids on “Glee,” what songs would they sing? Well, we really enjoyed answering that question. So we thought we’d make it into a weekly feature. And not just because this Tuesday’s “Glee” is Britney Week. Well, a little because this Tuesday’s “Glee” is Britney Week. But mostly because it’s fun to assign songs to NFL teams.

Ha! It is fun! In theory. Unfortunately, whoever wrote this drivel elected to perform said exercise utilizing Britney-freaking-Spears songs. Not only that, but they tied it together in one completely asinine and intelligence-insulting bow by pairing it with Glee. Apologies to all of you Gleetards out there, but that show sucks. Well, technically, I have never watched the damn show, but promos for it have been drilled into my cerebral cortex to such vicious precision that I cannot bring myself to taking in an episode, lest it causes me to go into a seizure.

Moving on, here’s a sampling of the results of their brilliant idea:

San Diego Chargers: “Oops I Did It Again”

San Diego stunned survivor pool participants everywhere by losing its Week 1 matchup with Kansas City. And in Week 3, the stage was clearly set for a big theatrical number – After Seattle’s Leon Washington returns his second kickoff for a touchdown, the entire Chargers bench breaks into a chorus of “Oops we did it again/we lost to a team/that we should have beat/oh baby baby.” Philip Rivers, of course, sings lead vocals in a red pleather jumpsuit.

Pittsburgh Steelers: “ … Baby One More Time”

We see this one as a big ensemble number – a back-and-forth between the Bucs and the Steelers, with Josh Freeman leading the Bucs in a chorus of “hit me baby one more time,” and Lawrence Timmons and the rest of the Steelers’ D (which had four sacks on the day) happily responding with, um, hits. Schoolgirl outfits most definitely required.

Sigh.

Which NFL Teams Are Singing Britney Spears Songs After Week 3? [ESPN.com]
(previously at the Sportress: ESPN.com Can Shove The Upcoming ‘Heat Index’ Page Straight Up Its Overhyping Ass)