Wade Phillips Is Now Less Fat Thanks To The Elixir-Like Qualities Of Diet Dr. Pepper
In case you aren’t a fan of “America’s Team” (shame on you) and don’t follow every development about the team with breathless anticipation and a fervor bordering on cult-like obsession, you may have missed the news that Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips used some of his free time in the offseason to shed a few unwanted pounds – 40 big ones, to be exact. Certainly a remarkable achievement for the portly head coach and if I were him, I’d be proud of myself, too.
Phillips was provided an opportunity to gloat a bit about his new, um, svelte figure during an appearance on KRLD radio in Dallas, where he also let people in on a little weight-loss secret which served him quite well: gallons and gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper.
Via Sports Radio Interviews:
“Well, Diet Dr. Pepper, you know? I used to drink a lot of Cokes and stuff, and when I went to Diet Dr. Pepper, that helps some. Obviously working out, and I actually did NutriSystem some. So a combination of things.”
Ah yes, the magical properties of diet soft drinks. Sure, he could have gone the water route as a healthier choice, but were you aware of the fact that Diet Dr. Pepper has zero freaking calories? How do they do that? That Pepper guy isn’t merely a doctor, he’s a goddamn supernatural alchemist!
What do you mean there has never been such a person named Dr. Pepper? Next thing you’re going to tell me is Mr. Clean isn’t an honest-to-goodness, real life homosexual pirate with a fetish for cleanliness. Just so you know, I’m not buying what you’re selling.
Regardless of how Phillips lost the weight, a hearty congratulations is in order. Losing weight is neither an enjoyable nor an easy process. And while he did not mention it as one of his weight loss secrets, I have a pretty good idea how he dropped at least some of those excess pounds:
Busting a move to YMCA, of course!
The moves on that guy. What can’t he do? Other than lead his team deep into the playoffs, of course. Alright, that was a cheap shot, but I already was making fat jokes about the guy, why stop there?
After A Long Summer Of Work And Loads Of Diet Dr. Pepper, Wade Phillips Is Slimmer And Energized For The New Season [Sports Radio Interviews]
(previously at the Sportress: Dear God! Cowboys Coach Wade Phillips Dancing To YMCA In Miami)