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PGA Golf

Bring On The Hoochie Mamas! Tiger Woods, Elin Officially Divorced

Rumor has it Tiger is celebrating the divorce with a quiet meal at a neighborhood Perkins restaurant.

Man, I really thought these star-crossed lovers were going to make it in the end, but alas, according to a joint announcement, the nearly six-year marriage of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren is officially kaput (via CBS Sports).

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future,” they said in a statement released by attorneys. “While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”

Jesus, even a statement announcing the demise of the embodiment of one of the most profound, emotional connections one can have with another person sounds cold, unemotional and robotic when it is issued by Tiger Woods. What was Tiger on when he approved that thing? Ambien?

Now that his marriage is over, I look forward to Tiger reassuming the mantle as the world’s greatest golfer. I mean, can you imagine how hard it is to swing a club with a crippling case of blue balls? So, Tiger’s handlers, I think we all know what comes next: all aboard the Whore Train!

Woods, wife Elin finalize divorce, will share custody of children [CBS Sports]