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‘Penis-Less Syphilis-Zombies’: UFC Fighter Pens ‘Survival Guide To The Apocalypse’

You know, when I fearfully consider – which is quite often – how I intend to survive the multitude of disasters which will foretell the End of Days, my thoughts usually turn to Ultimate Fighting and the men who inhabit that strange world. Because hey, if someone is going to know how  survive in a Road Warrior-type of post-apocalyptic world, it’s obviously going to be a person who knows how to beat someone else’s head in.

Thankfully for all of us, that’s where Forrest Griffin comes in. You see, Griffin, who can plainly see the writing on the wall that the world is going to Hell in a handbasket, has written his second book (his first one dealt with the Zen principles of hand-to-hand combat), a breezy summer read entitled When The Sh*t Goes Down: A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse.

Talk about a provocative title. Because if I learned one thing from Cypress Hill, it is most certainly that when the sh*t goes down, you better be ready (you better be ready!).

You might ask yourself, “Why would I need this book? Well, sir or madam, to determine whether you do or not, here’s a helpful checklist provided by Griffin on his official site:

1. Have you dug up your wife’s rose garden and built a fallout shelter, equipped with a prison where you can lock up annoying family members?

2. Have you mapped out an escape route to your safe zone?

3. Is there a vehicle of death sitting in your garage?

4. Have you filled your go bag with all the needed instruments, including waterproof matches, postapocalyptic goggles, and at least one sexual party favor?

5. Have you learned how to milk various types of animals, including a giraffe?

To promote the book, Griffin agreed to an interview with Neil Springer of the QMI Agency, excerpts of which was published in the Toronto Sun and believe you me, when someone gives this guy an opportunity to talk about his post-apocalyptic vision, a whole lot of batsh*t crazy goes down.  There’s a lot to cover here, so buckle up.

To kick things off, Griffin opines that he is only stating the obvious in his prediction of the impending apocalypse:

“It’s a feeling I think we all have that it’s got to come to an end,” Griffin (17-6) said in an interview with QMI Agency. “You know, the hamster’s only going to run for so long. There’s only so much stuff. There are too many people using too much stuff.

Hamster? Does he mean like Gawker Media’s Nibbles? Crazy!

And guess what? The so-called end of the world as we know it is coming much more quickly than simple-minded folks like us might expect:

“There will be some end to us. Who knows what it’s going to be, but it’s going to end. My hope is just that it will be in our lifetime.”

Who doesn’t? As it is often said, “Hope springs eternal.” Unless we are talking about the demise of our world, I guess.

Essentially, his book delves into the issues relating to how to survive initial impact. The Amish can show us the way, and that’s where you will find Griffin when the sh*t in fact goes down:

“(The goal is) self-sufficiency,” Griffin said. “I’m going to go live with the Amish. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be out there with the Amish.

“I’m going bicycle, brother. Don’t have anything you can’t fix or can’t acquire parts for easily. I don’t know much about cars. I have a couple cars I can fix, older cars. Obviously, Zakk Wylde knows a lot more about auto-mechanics and vehicles than I do.”

I know what you’re thinking…Zakk Wylde? The Ozzy Osbourne guitarist? The same. Griffin’s book features a section written by Wylde about how to transform “a vehicle into a ‘Deathcore Warmachine’,” whatever that is.

Apparently, Griffin never took a marketing class at UFC University, because in trying to sell himself and the knowledge contained within his Survival Guide, he informs us that even if you do read his book, it probably won’t make much of a difference:

“The ship’s going down, buddy. When things become tough – and they will – we won’t have enough and our lifestyles are infringed upon, people will get crazy and we’ll start wars. We’ll start fighting over resources and most of us will die.

“But if you read my book, you’ll probably still die.”

Good to know. Good to know.

As I mentioned above, Griffin envisions a Road Warrior kind of world after the apocalypse, but do not worry about him, he’s looking forward to it. He’s got the clothes and everything.

“I’m hoping that’s going to be life – (‘Road Warrior’ will be) the movie of life,” Griffin said. “I can’t wait. I got some spandex, some leather and leotards.”

Well, in the event we as a human race somehow figure out a way to avoid what Griffin foresees as the inevitable Armageddon, with that wardrobe,  he will at least be able to find work at an S & M Gay Bar.

Finally – and this is the icing on the Crazy Cake – one thing Griffin regrets not including in the book is his precognition that during the great cataclysm, there is going to be an assload of zombies.

“I was actually going to write something about zombies, but there is actually so much literature on zombies,” Griffin said. “That’s the biggest question I get, so obviously I should have covered that.

“I think there will be zombies — hear me out. When there becomes a lack of antibiotics for common diseases like syphilis, it will make people crazy. And when they get the lesions on the brain and there are no antibiotics to cure them, there will be crazy, penisless syphilis-zombies running around very angry because their penises are falling off.”

Penis-less Syphlilis-Zombies. George Romero is kicking himself for not coming up with that one. So are about 100 grindcore bands.

Simply because of reading this interview, I’m ordering the damn book. I don’t care if I’m still going to die in spite of Griffin’s sage advice. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out if Griffin’s shtick is some sort of tongue-in-cheek, wacky bit or not. Either way, I’m still digging it. Crap, this guy should have his own talk show.

Griffin: We’re all going to die [Toronto Sun]