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Jay Mariotti (as Helen Lovejoy): ‘Won’t Somebody Please Think Of Tiger’s Children?’

Excerpted from the Thug of Smug’s self-righteous (big surprise) and proselytizing column, “Fading as a Champion, Woods Needs to Be Dad”:

If we can feel sorry for a man who threw away something close to a perfect life, just so he could sleep with bimbos, then this is the time. Eldrick Woods — I no longer see anyone named Tiger — is so lost as a golfer and discombobulated as a human being that he now will rely on a captain’s pick to make the U.S. Ryder Cup team, the ultimate acknowledgment of failure in his craft. What he really should do is disappear from public view after the PGA Championship, plot a return for next year and continue the one exercise that keeps him honorable in life.

Being a father.

Falling shy of the record that would have defined him, Eldrick Woods still can be successful in one area. He can be a father. I don’t want to hear how he plans to practice with a swing coach. I want to hear that he can’t practice, that he’s too busy taking care of his children.

It’s the only way he can salvage his soiled, ridiculed name.

Thanks, Jay, for that self-aggrandizing, shaking-of-one’s finger look at Tiger Woods and for allowing us the honor of reading your esteemed opinion on how Woods should deal with his personal life, especially the manner in which he should care for his children. There’s an old saying that goes if you don’t have kids – which I imagine Mariotti does not – I cannot believe a woman would actually have sex with him, much less bear his child – don’t tell other people how they should raise their children.

Now go back to doing what you do best: lurking in Chicago bars and writing the same old vitriolic diatribe against Ozzie Guillen over and over again, you sanctimonious prick.

Fading as a Champion, Woods Needs to Be Dad [Fanhouse]