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Hey, Can Anybody Out There Speak Mormon? The Salt Lake Tribune Is Messing With Us

Because if you can, please get in touch with me so we can translate this above column from the sports section of The Salt Lake Tribune. To be honest, I am not entirely sure what language this article is written in, but since it is from the Happy Good Time Mormon Capital of the World, I’m just making my best guess. Frankly, I had no idea that the Mormons had their own language. I guess the secret is out now.

Although, upon closer inspection, I suppose it kind of looks like Latin, too. But that doesn’t answer the question at hand: why are Utahians trying to confuse people on the internets by publishing articles in some rarely-used language? And what kind of headline is that? Xjxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx? How does one even begin to pronounce that jumbled mess of Xs? Weirdos, the lot of them, I tell ya.

Even worse, after I read it out loud, the ground split beneath me and out of it in a haze of acrid smoke, some demon creature emerged and requested that I free it from its bondage, but I said, “Heck no, I ain’t into that kinky stuff. Go try that sick stuff on some other sap, you perverted hellbeast.”

Xjxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [The Salt Lake Tribune]