Sportress of Blogitude

The Onion’s List Of Quotes From Ozzie Guillen Are Clearly Fake…Or Are They?

As many of the regular readers of the Sportress – all four of you – are well aware of, it’s that I love The Onion. I also am quite fond of the eminently quotable Ozzie Guillen, so when I saw that The Onion had a column entitled “The Quotable Ozzie Guillen,” clearly, I became intrigued.

Since this is The Onion we are talking about, these quotes are obviously not real, authentic Guillenisms. But after reading them a couple of times, I came away thinking that, “Yeah, I could imagine Ozzie Guillen saying this stuff.” Here are a few of my personal favorites:

  • 2006: “I very much love the people and the fans of Chicago, because they pay me very much to play a baseball manager in Chicago, even though I very much hate the people and fans in Chicago”
  • 2006: “I don’t give s**t about the home-field advantages for the World Series. You know what I care about? Where the f**k is the Smash Mouth? Why aren’t they here for singing the ‘All Star’ song? I love that s**t”
  • 2007: “I love Dustin Pedroia. He is very good hitter. And he has a strong back, so he could be climbed up on and I sit on his shoulders and ride around on him like riding a little horse that loves me and eats apples and I have to pitch around because he is a good hitter”
  • 2008: “I never say one bad thing about those stupid fu**ing Cubs fans. Not a single word about those mother-shi**ing pieces of f**k”
  • 2010: It’s not the fair for Japanese players have the interpreter. I want the interpreter so I can understand what the f**k it is I am talk about”

See what I mean? Those are definitely statements no one would be surprised in the least if they heard them coming out of Ozzie Guillen’s opinionated mouth. Which leads me to only one conclusion: Ozzie Guillen is officially Onion-proof, and accomplishing that is certainly a worthwhile achievement. Way to go, Ozzie. May your bats**t antics continue to entertain and baffle us for years to come.

The Quotable Ozzie Guillen [The Onion]