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Off Topic: For Wisconsin Siblings And Pal, The Act Of Necrophilia Is The Greatest Gift

Only in Wisconsin!

Here in Minnesota, one of our favorite pastimes is making fun of our wacky neighbors on the opposite banks of the St. Croix River directly to our East. It’s due to stories like this one why it is generally such an easy enterprise.

The state which produced Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer has brought us another bizarre tale of one sick person’s fascination and subsequent sexual attraction with corpses. Alexander Grunke (center) was found guilty on Thursday of attempted sexual assault after he, his brother Nick (top) and buddy Dustin Radke went to a graveyard dead set on digging up the corpse of a woman so Alexander could satisfy his desire to nail a corpse.

From a Reuters report on MSNBC:

On a night in September 2006, Alexander Grunke, his brother Nick and friend Dustin Radke went to the St. Charles cemetery in Cassville, Wisconsin, intent on digging up a 20-year-old woman’s body who had died the week before in a car wreck.

First, they went to a store to buy condoms, according to the police report.

Good call. It is said that not only are you having sex with the bloated corpse, you are also having sex with every other twisted freak who had sex with said bloated corpse. Safety first.

During the trial, Nicholas tried to change his story and claimed that he just wanted to hang out with the corpse, not commit the nastiest version of the nasty (via City Pages):

Later in court, Nicholas denied he wanted to have sex with her corpse. No, just some quality “platonic” time, he insisted. To which Grant County Assistant Attorney Tony Pozorski told the jury, “you don’t need a box of condoms to carry on a conversation. You don’t need a box of condoms to go chit chat.”

Question: how much better would it have been if Nicholas only wanted to shoot the s**t with the dead body? Does that make him 50% less disturbingly tweaked? 75% It’s hard to quantify, I guess.

But as it is often said, 9 out of 10 grave robberies, whether for the purpose of sexual gratification or companionship fail within the first hour.

They dug up the grave but were stymied by the concrete vault holding the woman’s casket. They ran away when a vehicle approached but were stopped by police, with Grunke dressed in black and perspiring profusely.

Blue balls!

But here, wow, here is the money quote that really puts Grunke’s compulsive and repulsive behavior in a bit of perspective:

In testimony in Grant County court, Radke said his friend had long wanted to have sex with a corpse, according to a report on KCRG-TV’s website.

“Nick said numerous times over the years how he’d love to have sex with a dead body because he wouldn’t want to have a woman to come home to holler at, or complain or nag at him,” Radke was quoted as saying.

Ha. Nothing worse than when the ball and chain breaking your balls the instant you walk in the door, right? Apparently, Nick would rather deal with rigor mortis and the putrid odor of decaying flesh than put up with some broad browbeating him.

Only in Wisconsin. Apparently, either you spend every waking moment of your life worshiping the Packers or trying to devise a scheme through which you can screw a dead body. Wait, who am I kidding? I suppose theoretically, one could be a die-hard Packers fan and practice necrophilia at the same time. In fact, I’m sure their is some misguided Wisconsinite soul out there hatching a plan to dig up Vince Lombardi and have sex with his corpse. That way, they could combine the Packers and necrophilia into one disgusting uncontrollable urge. Kind of like George Costanza with sex and Pastrami sandwiches. Sort of.

Wisconsin men guilty of seeking sex with corpse [MSNBC/Reuters]
Alexander Grunke guilty in plot to rob grave for corpse sex [City Pages]