Sportress of Blogitude

Kubrickian: Big Ben’s ‘Treatment’ Will Cure Him Of All Of His Droogian Flaws

Michael A. Fuoco wrote an enlightening article, published today in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which sheds some light at what Ben Roethlisberger should expect when he shows up to “undergo a series of interviews and psychological testing to assess his personality traits, cognitive abilities and neuropsychological fitness as part of a comprehensive behavioral evaluation” at some undisclosed location.

Obviously, considering the depths of Roethlisberger’s depravity, traditional treatment methods might not work. My suggestion is that those who will be treating Big Ben go with a more, shall we say, unconventional route.

INT. HOSPITAL

Psychiatrist wheels trolley to Ben’s bed. He is sitting up.

BIG BEN
Good morning, Missus.

DR. TAYLOR
How are you feeling today?

BIG BEN
Fine. Fine.

DR. TAYLOR
Good. I’m Doctor Taylor.

BIG BEN
I haven’t seen you before.

DR. TAYLOR
I’m your Psychiatrist.

BIG BEN
Psychiatrist? Huh, do I need one?

DR. TAYLOR
Just part of the treatment routine.

BIG BEN
What are we going to do? Talk about me sex life?

DR. TAYLOR
No… I’m going to show you some slides and you are going to tell me what you think about them Alright?

BIG BEN
Ohhh… jolly good. Perhaps you can explain me something to me first.

DR. TAYLOR
Yes?

BIG BEN
Well, when I was all like ashamed up and half awake and unconscious like, I kept having this dream like all these doctors were playing around with me gulliver. You know… like the inside of me brain. I seemed to have this dream over and over again. D’you think it means anything?

DR. TAYLOR
Patients who’ve sustained the kind of injuries you have often have dreams of this sort. It’s all part of the recovery process.

BIG BEN
Oh.

DR. TAYLOR
Now then, each of these slides needs a reply from one of the people in the picture. You’ll tell me what you think the person would say. Alright?

BIG BEN
Righty, right.

DR. TAYLOR
Isn’t the plumage beautiful?

BIG BEN
I just say what the other person would say?

DR. TAYLOR
Yes. Yes, well don’t think about it too long, just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

BIG BEN
Right… Shoulder pads… Jagr Bombs… It doesn’t have a beak.

Ben laughs. Slide of woman speaking to boy.

DR. TAYLOR
Good. The girl you got aggressive with in the bathroom is seriously ill.

BIG BEN
That’s right and I’ll smash your face for you, yarblockos.

Slide of watch shop.

DR. TAYLOR
Good. It was your fault… you sold me a crummy watch. I want my money back.

BIG BEN
Bollocks. You know what you can do with that watch? You can stick it up your arse.

Slide of nude woman in bed, a man at the window.

DR. TAYLOR
Good. What do you want?

BIG BEN
Excuse me, missus. No time for the old in-out, I’ve just come to fix the cable.

Slide of bird’s nest with eggs.

DR. TAYLOR
Good. You can do whatever you like with these.

BIG BEN
Eggies. I would like to smash ’em. Pick up the lot and f… owww…

He slams his hand down and cries out with pain.

BIG BEN
Fucking hell…

DR. TAYLOR
Fine. Well, that’s all there is to it. Are you alright?

BIG BEN
I hope so. Is that the end then?

DR. TAYLOR
Yes.

BIG BEN
I was quite enjoying that.

DR. TAYLOR
Good. I’m glad.

BIG BEN
How many did I get right?

DR. TAYLOR
It’s not that kind of a test. But you seem well on the way to a complete recovery.

BIG BEN
And when do I get out of here then?

DR. TAYLOR
I’m sure it won’t be long now.

***

INT. HOSPITAL DAY

Ben sitting up, being fed by Nurse.

Doctor enters followed by Commissioner Roger Goodell and Assistant.

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
Good evening, my boy.

BIG BEN
Hi, hi, hi there, my little droogies.

DOCTOR
Well, how are you getting on today, young man?

BIG BEN
Great, sir. Great.

DOCTOR
Can I do anything more for you , Commissioner Goodell?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
I don’t think so. Thank you very much.

DR. TAYLOR
Then I’ll leave you to it. Nurse.

They exit. Commissioner Goodell moves to Ben.

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
You seem to have a whole ward to yourself, my boy.

BIG BEN
Yes, sir, and a very lovely place it is too, sir, when I wake up in the middle of the night with my pain.

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
Yes… well good to see you on the mend. I’ve kept in constant touch with the hospital, of course, and now I’ve come to see you personally to see how you’re getting along.

BIG BEN
I’ve suffered the tortures of the damned. The tortures of the damned, sir.

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
Yes I can… Oh look, let me do that for you, shall I?

BIG BEN
Thank you, sir.

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
I can tell you that I… and the National Football League, of which I am the iron-fisted leader, are deeply sorry about this, my boy. Deeply sorry. We tried to help you. We followed recommendations that had been made to us which turned out to be wrong. An inquiry will place the responsibility where it belongs. We want you to regard us as friends. We’ve put you right, you’re getting the best of treatments. We never wished you harm, but there are some that did and do, and I think you know who those are. There are certain people who wanted to use you for political ends. People who would have been glad to have you prison because then they would have been able to blame it all on the entitlements brought upon by being an NFL star quarterback. I think you know who those are. There is also a certain man, a writer of subversive literature who has been howling for your blood. He’s been mad with desire to stick a knife into you, but you’re safe from him now, we’ve put him away. He found out that you had done wrong to him at least he believed you had done wrong. He had formed this idea in his head that you had been responsible for the death of someone near and dear to him. We put him away for his own protection… I’m sorry, I thought you were ready.

BIG BEN
Where is he now, sir?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
We put him away where he can do you no harm. You see we are looking after your interests. We are interested in you, and when you leave here you will have no further worries. We shall see to everything… a good job on an NFL team with a good salary.

BIG BEN
What job and how much?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
You will have an interesting job quarterbacking the Oakland Raiders at a salary which you would regard as adequate. Not only for the job which you are going to do and in compensation for what you believe you have suffered, but also because you are helping us.

BIG BEN
Helping you, sir?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
We always help our friends, don’t we?
(smiles)
It is no secret that the NFL  has lost a lot of popularity because of you, my boy. There are some that think that at the next election we shall be out. The press has chosen to take a very unfavorable view of what we tried to do.

BIG BEN
Well, who can blame them, sir?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
Mmmm, possibly. Yes. But public opinion has a way of changing and you, Ben, if I may call you, Ben?

BIG BEN
Certainly, sir. What do they call you at home?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
My name is Roger. As I was saying, Ben, you can be instrumental in changing the public verdict. Do you understand, Ben? Have I made myself clear?

BIG BEN
As an unmuddied lake, Roger. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, Roger.

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
Good… good boy. Oh yes, I understand you’re fond of music. I have arranged a little surprise for you.

BIG BEN
Surprise?

COMMISSIONER GOODELL
One I think you will like… as a, how shall I put it, as a symbol of our new understanding. An understanding between two friends.

BIG BEN
Thank you, Fred. Thank you.

Commissioner Goodell  turns and signals.

Door opens and a crowd of cameramen and reporters rush in.

Aides push two 6-foot loudspeakers and a Hi-Fi on a trolley.

BIG BEN (voice over)
And what do you know, my brothers and only friends, it was “Party In The USA” by the glorious Miley Cyrus. Oh, it was gorgeosity and yummy yum yum. I was cured.

CLOSE SHOT BIG BEN

BIG BEN (voice over)
As the music came to its climax, I could viddy myself very clear, running and running on like very light and mysterious feet, carving the whole gridiron of the creeching League with my cut throat accuracy. I was cured all right.

Fin.

Roethlisberger faces battery of tests [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]