Sportress of Blogitude


Mariotti Wishes To Devirginize Tebow Before QB Resurrects Image Of NFL

Our favorite big-time blogger was back at it again today, not only did he refer to bloggers as bed wetters, he also was singing the praises of St. Tebow while at the same time condemning the dregs of humanity that currently pollute rosters in the NFL. Referring to Tebow as the “antidote to NFL crime,” Mariotti writes that if he were in charge of an NFL franchise, he would “draft Tim Tebow in the first round and, for now, put him in a mascot suit.” Kinky stuff, Jay, but I don’t think Tebowner rolls that way.

But Mariotti continues to probe his manlust for Tebow:

We keep waiting for Tebow to do something that exposes him as less than his yes-sir, God-squadding, still-a-virgin, helps-sick-children-on-spring-break image. And I suspect we’ll be waiting forever, except for the virgin part.

Jeez, Mariotti, lay off the guy – he’s just not that into you. And speaking of kinky, take a gander at this long form typewritten fellatio:

He means it, too. Which is why I’d want him on my sideline, in my locker room and in my community. These days, those values more than justify the expense of a No. 1 draft pick. All you need to know about Tebow, as we await a decision on Roethlisberger’s future from commissioner Roger Goodell, is that much of America adores him. A research group called the Davie-Brown Index polled people around the nation and placed Tebow’s name and face in a collage of sports celebrities. Guess who rated higher in marketing appeal than Tom Brady, Brett Favre and Tony Romo? For someone who may not be selected until the second round — or Day 2 of the league’s new prime-time draft format — Tebow is a strikingly unusual commodity in that he’s the biggest story of the event. It’s no secret ESPN is giving him equal billing with fellow quarterback Sam Bradford, who most likely will be the No. 1 pick, on its draft promos. As he was at Florida, where he more often lowered his head and bulldozed as a ballcarrier than he passed for touchdowns, he is a polarizing figure for all the right reasons. Oh, some haters can’t stand him because they think he’s too hyped and overly religious, but the central debate is whether he can transform into a star on the next level.

Only a fool would bet against him.

Call me a fool then, because I ain’t buying what Mariotti’s selling. And sorry, haters want to hate – it is in their nature. But Mariotti will lustily protect Tebow from all the ill-will wished upon him. He will be the Kevin Costner to Tebow’s Whitney Houston, while secretly hoping that their relationship ends up more than professional.

Oh yeah, and he refers to bloggers as bed wetters.

And Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in that barroom video that made bloggers wet their beds, said Tebow would “never get on the field” with Romo in Dallas.

Hey man, the bed wetting comment was completely uncalled for and wholly inaccurate. You would think Mariotti would know that if bloggers were to piss all over something, it would be the pull-out couch in their mom’s basement. Further, Mariotti, despite his contempt for their kind, is a blogger himself, albeit a celebrity one. I guess that just makes him a self-loathing blogger.

Finally, the triumphant and passionate closing:

This is why the marketing community drools over Tebow more than the football community. And in this day and age, good people with throwing flaws are better for America’s most popular league than great athletes on a crime blotter.

Roger Goodell isn’t supposed to show emotion on the stage in midtown Manhattan. But if he is passed a card with Tim Tebow’s name on it, sometime in the first round, my guess is he’ll crack a smile. The league needs it. Sports needs it.

You and I need it.

Need it? Is he talking about gay sex with Tim Tebow again? The dude never stops.

Antidote to NFL Crime: Tebow in First Round [Fanhouse]