Sportress of Blogitude

S.O.B. Guest Post: Shakey’s ‘Blank Slate: Denard Span’

With yours truly splitting time between the Sportress and With Leather this week, trying to adhere to my usual posting schedule has been erratic at best. Fortunately, in honor of the 1-year birthday of the Sportress, my good pal Shakey came to my assistance and wrote an entertaining little nug of a post for you readers. Consider yourselves incredibly fortunate as you prepare to read pure brilliance.

A regular feature on the now defunct satire blog Style Points was the Blank Slate, where Business_Socks and Shakey took boring athletes nobody knew anything about and gave their background information a little color. For the birthday of S.O.B., Shakey decided to dust off his blogging shoes and give it one more go.

Take it away, Shakey.

Parents: Father was killed by Denard’s 4th grade Diorama of the solar system when he was crushed by a falling Jupiter. Denard had insisted on using a 12 pound bowling ball. His mother spends her time tasering farm animals after she won a $30 million lawsuit against the inventor of dioramas.

Workout: Hones his swing by releasing killer bees into his house and then killing them with a baseball bat. Trains his body by kickboxing various jungle creatures. Heavily invested in the stock of rabies vaccinations.

Youth: His attention shifted to baseball after he learned that there was no money in becoming a professional spelling bee contestant. Spent three years in a juvenile detention center after almost killing a classmate who called him “Denarded”. Developed signature speed by running from the illegitimate children of Mike Tyson.

Interests: Likes to attend philosophy classes and shit on the desk of the professor, then asking “DO YOU BELIEVE IN MORAL NIHILISM NOW!?” Then leaving. Also shanking Nick Punto.

Music: Thinks the future of music involves remixing the rhymes of Slick Rick over Mozart masterpieces.

Movies: Robocop II

Offseason Home: KKK burial grounds in Montgomery Alabama. Wipes his butt with the clothing of KKK icon Tom Metzger

Miscellaneous Facts:

  • Only brush with drugs was trying to smoke a Doobie Brothers record with JJ Hardy.
  • Thinks a surefire way to win the AL Central is to surreptitiously hang ‘Shoot to kill’ signs across the country with the picture of the Chicago White Sox pitching rotation.
  • Superstitions include making his uniform number the amount of women he’s slept with (2). His number hasn’t changed since junior high school.
  • Tried to gain a stint on the DL because he was ’emotionally distraught over the death of Style Points’.
  • Petitioning MLB for hats to be optional because he thinks it’s harming his hairline. “I don’t want to look like Matt Holliday in 6 years!”
  • Almost convinced Delmon Young to dye his skin white after Michael Jackson died because, “The world needs another famous black white guy!”
  • Tried to heal an ankle injury by gluing vitamins into the soles of his shoes.
  • Thinks a podcast is an internet radio show about the cultivation of peas.
  • Believes he knows when he’ll meet his future wife because ‘Her hair will smell like buttered popcorn’.
  • Couldn’t attend team meetings in 2009 because he burst into laughter every time he heard the name Boof Bonser.
  • Insists on putting his kindergarten picture on the sides of milk cartons in case he “has any illegitimate children out there he doesn’t know about”.
  • Tries to throw curveballs when Justin Morneau is the cutoff man because he thinks he’s a huge douche.