Sportress of Blogitude

Break Out The Creedence: ‘The Big Nowitzki’ Video Is Far Out, Man

Obviously, this has been everywhere and anywhere today, but it is far too good not to make it a permanent part of the Sportress archives.

Instead of trying to incorporate a bunch of The Big Lebowski references into one incoherent paragraph, I’ll bullet point it for you Little Lebowski Urban Achievers.

  • Nowitzki is tired of Cuban’s act. God damn you, Cuban! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about David Stern? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with David Stern? What the fuck are you talking about?
  • Kobe as Jesus. What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Kobe. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don’t fool Kobe. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!
  • Early playoff exit. I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this playoff, we got the fans all mad at us, and Cuban, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn’t do anything, huh?
  • On ex-fiancée Crystal Taylor. I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about… I’ve got information man! New shit has come to light! And shit… man, she pregnancy tested herself. Well sure, man. Look at it… a young butt-ugly fiancée, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that’s cool… that’s, that’s cool, I’m, I’m saying, she needs money, man. And of course they’re going to say that they didn’t get it, because… she wants more, man! She’s got to feed the monkey, I mean uh… hasn’t that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

  • Shortly before the above drunken photo was taken. Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not “Mr. Nowitzki”. You’re Mr. Nowitzki. I’m the Dirk. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dirkness or uh, Dirker, or El Dirkerino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

Fin.

[H/T With Leather, everywhere]