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Jerkoff Boston Sportswriter Thinks Nomar Is A Jerkoff Because He Treated Sportswriters Like Jerkoffs

Does that makes sense? If I added that said sportswriter was Dan Shaughnessy, would that help? Yes? Thought so.

Nomar? More like, “No More!” am I right, Dan? I bet if you were to ask the the official spokesperson for the Red-Headed Stepchildren Who Were Far Too Repugnant To Beat Society for his knee-jerk thoughts on the once patron saint of Red Sox Nation, it would have been as hackneyed and unoriginal as the previous sentence.

As hard as he tried not to, Shaughnessy could not stand idly by and allow Nomar to return to the loving embrace of the Boston Red Sox organization to announce his retirement without being “the fly in the punchbowl here.” He comes out with both guns blazing – unfortunately, said guns must have been on safety – in his column, “In historically bad taste here,” which appeared The Boston Globe today.

Indeed.

“…but yesterday’s lovefest involving Nomar Garciaparra and the Red Sox was truly nauseating. If Nomar had been hooked up to a polygraph, the machine would have exploded.

Truly unbelievable. There was Nomar, seated between Larry Lucchino and Theo Epstein, telling us how much he always loved the Red Sox, how much he loved the Nation.”

Exploding polygraph? Who has ever heard of such a thing? This Nomar fellow must be the lying-est liar who has ever lied! He’s blowing up machines!

Please continue on for some more well-deserved, yet delicious, Shaughnessy haterade. It’s good for ya.

You see, Shaughnessy wasn’t very happy with how the acrimonious divorce between Nomar and Red Sox Nation went down way-back-when in 2004 when Garciaparra was mercifully traded to the Chicago Cubs. And apparently, he still isn’t. Bitter wounds run deep, my friends. And Nomar hurt Shaugnessy. He hurt him real bad.

But even worse than how Nomar broke the hearts of the gentle souls of every card-carrying member of Red Sox Nation with his desire to get out of town, Nomar did something even worse: to the media members who drooled over him and worshiped him like a god, he was a super-duper meanie-weanie (who probably refused to wear a purple polka dot bikini, much to Shaughnessy’s chagrin).

In good times and bad, Garciaparra was unnecessarily difficult in all interactions with the media. It made no sense, given the fawning coverage he received (and deserved) for the first seven years of his career. Fans needn’t care which players give good sound bites, but no one was more unhappy than Nomar, and it infected the workplace.

Perhaps that was indeed the case with Garciaparra during his tenure with the Red Sox. But if it were, why does Shaughnessy preface this sentence with this thought earlier in his column?

Off the field, he did charity work, kept his mouth shut, and interacted well with fans. He was one of the three great shortstops of his era, alongside Alex Rodriguez and Jeter.

So, which one was it? Was he difficult with the media or was it that he just kept quiet and that was perceived as difficult? At different times I guess this can mean different things, depending on what Shaughnessy is attempting to articulate.

Shaughnessy, in his blinding rage regarding how he had been wronged, even goes so far as to tacitly insinuate that Nomar may have taken…steroids!

Then he split a tendon in his wrist in 2001 and the ball didn’t jump off his bat anymore. He got too muscular and there were more injuries. Looking back at those days and the hideous, shirtless Sports Illustrated cover, it’s natural to wonder whether he succumbed to the temptation of steroids.

I can only imagine the self-righteous indignation Shaughnessy would have unleashed on the imbecilic masses had Nomar remained playing for the Red Sox his entire career and someone had now made that accusation.

Nevertheless, I think I now have mastered the recipe of how Shaughnessy writes his columns.

You start off with the above-mentioned self-righteous indignation (i.e. “truly nauseating” “truly unbelievable” etc.).

Mix in a 20+ year-old pop culture reference well past its expiration date:

Gag me. This was like watching Paul McCartney holding hands with Yoko Ono, telling us how much he always loved John Lennon’s wife — in a pathetic effort to sell some product, of course.

Stir in a dollop of the Red Sox and accordingly, the Red Sox Nation are so smart they can do no wrong:

It’s forgiving of the Sox to bring him back, but there’s no need to reinvent history in the process. Sox fans are too smart. It’s insulting for Epstein, Lucchino, and Garciaparra to insist that this relationship has always been good.

Sprinkle with a dash of reverence for the Red Sox worthy of a deity:

There is certainly every possibility that Nomar has matured and will henceforth pledge allegiance to Boston and spread the Gospel of the Red Sox.

And season to taste with an elitist attitude that the media is somehow above it all and only the most righteous, most principled, most ethical should be allowed among its hallowed ranks.

In yesterday’s sorry spirit of disingenuousness and hypocrisy, Garciaparra announced that he has taken a job with ESPN. This makes him a member of the media, which is like Sarah Palin telling us she is going to be chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

Oops, he sneaked in a tired pop culture reference in there. Crafty, this guy.

In historically bad taste here [The Boston Globe]