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Chicks, Man

Gasp! British Columnist Ranks Sexiest Winter Olympians, Leaves Out Lindsey Vonn

What the heck? It is clear that the British media – unlike their Yankee counterparts – evidently do not feel the uncontrollable compulsion to include the lovely Miss Vonn in everything Winter Olympics-related, as Stephen Marche, a writer for The Guardian, ranked his top four Olympians for accomplishments in the area of attractiveness (for both the men and the women, separately) and lo and behold, Lindsey is not on the list! This Marche fellow obviously doesn’t know what he’s writing about!

Or does he?

First, Marche points out that as far as sexiness is concerned the Summer Olympics pale in comparison with the Winter Games.

The Winter Olympics are way hotter than the Summer Olympics, even if everyone is wearing woolies. The sports are riskier and hence sexier. Now that I’ve seen what a downhill course looks like, I am amazed that people needed to invent bungie jumping or the Jackass franchise. Why concoct a new form of adrenaline-pumping self-destruction when there are preexisting methods that allow you to earn medals? Have you seen the female skeleton medallists? If they’re willing to take their bodies to such an extreme edge in public, what must they do when they’re behind closed doors?

One can only imagine what they are doing behind closed doors, unless one had the inclination to film their private activities through the peephole, but that’s another story altogether.

The top four women, according to Mr. Marche:

Number One: Tanith Belbin

“…the impossibly cheekboned, huge-eyed partner of Ben Agosto, who finished fourth in the ice-dancing.”


Number Two: Julia Mancuso

“…the American skier who is everything an American skier should be, equal parts glamour and heartiness, as though her every molecule was made up of fresh breath.”

Number Three: Kimiko Zakreski

“…a Canadian snowboarder who should have been cast as an elf princess in Lord of the Rings.”

Number Four: Stella Heiss (below, right)

“…the lead for the German women’s curling team, who seems never to be smiling, always at maximum intensity. She also has the most beautiful hair I have ever seen.”

To be honest, I see absolutely nothing wrong with Marche’s rankings (although Heiss’ playing partner there ain’t too shabby either), but if Miss Vonn catches wind that this guy not only omitted her from his rankings, but actually ranked her sworn mortal enemy, Julia Mancuso, as second, there’s going to be trouble. Unless on the way to confronting the columnist, Vonn doesn’t catch her flight across the pond due to missing her gate.

Zing!

Oh yeah, the guys. I’m not going to take the time to find and upload photos of the gents Marche found most attractive, but below are his rankings, complete with the appropriate links to the athletes left in:

For the men, it’s not even a contest. The winner has to be Bode Miller, the American skier. Besides having strong masculine features and a perfectly symmetrical face, he also has that devilish combination of a bad-boy reputation and a winning record. Everyone else is fighting for second place. I would like to put forward Eric Staal, the young Canadian hockey player, and the Dutch skater Sven Kramer. They’re both preposterously, almost ethereally beautiful, like magical leopards who have taken on human form, but they have flaws. Eric Staal is a hockey player, and so beat up. Kramer has one of those skaters’ asses. Other options: Switzerland’s cheerful and cozy Stephane Lambiel, and, if you like that sort of thing, the highly delicate and rose-garlanded American skater Johnny Weir.

Bitch all you want about me being too lazy and not uploading photos of the men, but we have a staunch policy regarding the misogynistic depiction of women  here at the Sportress and far be it from me to completely disregard it. Granted, I am the only person who writes here and I can do pretty much whatever I want, but still, tradition is tradition. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The ridiculously sexy Winter Olympics [The Guardian]