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Olympics

Olympic Athletes Be Screwin’

But apparently, they are doing said screwing safely – or at the very least going in with the best intentions of doing so.

This just in: Olympic athletes are a bunch of horndoggers, rekindling images of wild, uninhibited and indiscriminate carnal coupling usually reserved for plot lines in teen sex romp comedies from the 1980s, like Hot Dog: The Movie (fittingly), Zapped! and The Last American Virgin.

First done as a public service at the 1992 Games in Barcelona, Olympic officials are again distributing free condoms to athletes, trainers, coaches and officials (everybody’s doing it!) in Vancouver.

That’s why the Vancouver organizers have laid in a stock of 100,000 condoms, which works out to 14 for each of the 7,000 athletes, coaches, trainers and officials housed in the Games’ two villages. (Apparently, skiing, skating and sliding aren’t the only activities at which Olympians excel.)

In 2000, Sydney organizers thought that 70,000 would be enough. They were wrong and had to send out for 20,000 more. Beijing also ordered 100,000 condoms with an Olympic motto: Faster, higher, stronger.

Hoo boy, that would be a lot of bangin’! But when you think about it, it makes total sense: most athletes competing are in peak physical condition, young and once they are finished competing, just want to kick back and have a good time. The Olympic Village after dark is probably a lot like the trendy nightclubs I’m not allowed into on steroids.

Picabo Street, the legendary U.S. skier who competed in three Olympics, agrees.

“It’s hundreds of auras, which does lead to a huge movement of energy. It’s not normal, resting energy; it’s jacked-up, hyped-up, on-the-brink-of-my-dream-coming-true, got-to-get-it, got-to-do-it energy, and it’s there all the time.”

Whew. That sounds like a lot of fun. I knew I shouldn’t have given up on my fledgling speed skating career, but the coaches thought I didn’t have it in me to compete at any level since I ankles flopped when I tried to stand up in the skates. I had the passion, just not the skills, which if translated to my ability to score some Olympic tail, means I probably wouldn’t have fared too well anyway. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

Olympic condom count holds steady [Game On!]
Cold days, hot nights: Olympic Village secrets [MSNBC]