Sportress of Blogitude

New Plans For Postgame Spread In Texas Rangers’ Clubhouse Leave A Lot To Be Desired

food_pyramid

If the Texas Rangers organization ever had any plans of luring a player of the talent and girth of Prince Fielder to Arlington, they might as well shelve them now since the team hired a dietitian to drastically alter the kinds of food available for the players in the clubhouse. That’s right, Texas Rangers, say goodbye to tasty treats like fried chicken and burgers and say hello to boring, bland food.

Dietitian Amy Goodson has been hired to help the Rangers improve their eating habits, NBC’s Dallas TV affiliate reported.

Goodson is replacing pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and slushie machines with grilled chicken and fish, beans, rice and sports drinks.

“A lot of these guys need a lot of calories, but we want to make sure it’s the right kind of calories that are going to fuel performance,” Goodson told NBC.

Lame.

Just in case in case there are any Rangers fans out there who desire to be even more miserable outside of the fact they are a Rangers fan to begin with, Amy Goodson, or as the Rangers players will probably begin to refer to her, the Mean And Nasty Lady Who Took Our Food And Happiness Away, has posted her dietary guidelines on rangerstrength.com. The mission statement for the site is as follows: “To help establish the Texas Rangers Baseball Club as a winning organization by putting the most skilled, specifically fit and fast players on the field more often than the opposition.”

Yeah, good luck with all that. I anticipate the Rangers may soon have a mutiny on their hands led by a gang of unhappy, malnourished malcontents.

Just for an example to illustrate how boring eating is about to become for the Texas Rangers if they abide by the guidelines that Mean And Nasty Lady Who Took Our Food And Happiness Away has set for the players, here are her suggestions for what a player should eat before working out. Please review them as you enjoy your second Sausage McMuffin with Egg.

Pre-Workout

* Meal 2-3 hours before workout

o High carbohydrate (50-60% of meal), moderate protein, low fat & fiber

o Examples of pre-workout meals based on workout times…

§ Early morning training: Energy bar and a banana or a baggie of dry cereal, granola, and a few nuts or shake with fruit and low-fat milk

§ Mid-morning training: 1 ½ cups oatmeal w/ 1 spoon peanut butter mixed in, 1 fruit, 12oz low-fat milk mixed with 1 scoop whey powder

§ Afternoon-training: Thick wheat bread sandwich w/3-5oz turkey or ham, cheese, lettuce tomato, mustard, 1 cup cold pasta or fruit, energy bar/trail mix granola bar

o Hydration: 16-20 oz fluid at meal

* Snack approximately 30 minutes before workout

o High carbohydrate, moderate protein, low fat

o Examples: Energy bar, granola bar, fruit, small fruit smoothie

o Hydration: 5-10 oz fluid

Ugh. What’s even the point in eating if this is all you can have? Don’t get me wrong, a balanced diet should always be a jumping-off point to maintain and improve your health, but by depriving your body and soul of the sustenance derived from tasty cheeseburgers and everything omelettes will only lead to sadness and hunger pangs.

Man, I’m just getting hungry thinking about all the delicious, high-fat foods that Rangers players will now have to try to avoid.

Surprisingly, some of the players are signing on and endorsing the program. Why? Probably because they are gutless brownosers, I guess.

Right-handed pitcher Tommy Hunter told NBC it’s easier to keep to the diet without access to the fatty foods. “If you have it available to you, you’re going to take advantage of it every once in a while,” Hunter said.

Goodson gave many players off-season plans, which first baseman Chris Davis says is already paying off.

“When I first started doing it, I noticed my energy level was better for longer periods of time,” Davis said.

Stupid jerks. What the Rangers players need to do is to unite and rebel against this oppressive violation of their rights to gastrointestinal autonomy. After all, we are talking about baseball players here. Ninety-nine percent of the time they are just standing around anyway. If a ballplayer in the shape of a David Wells can go out and pitch a perfect game, perhaps stringent dietary guidelines aren’t the way to go here. Instead, I would suggest adding an Angioplasty Annex to every Major League clubhouse.

Now that’s thinking outside the box right there. Speaking of boxes, has anyone else tried those Variety Big Box Meals at KFC? They are  delicious. I don’t know if it is this way in other areas of the country, but KFCs here in Minnesota routinely share space with a A&Ws, so I usually have to add a side of A&W cheese curds to the Big Box Meal to truly get full.

Man, if you haven’t experienced the KFC-A&W hybrid, you are truly missing out on the enjoyment one can derive from the  gastrointestinal gluttony that is surely to ensue. Fried chicken? Awesome! Tack on a double cheeseburger and a root beer float? Even better!

Too bad the Rangers players will never be able to enjoy such a thing. At least until they request a trade to the Milwaukee Brewers. Ain’t no way the Brewers are getting in between Prince Fielder and the postgame buffet, I can guarantee you that much. We are talking about Milwaukee here, folks.

No hot dogs allowed in Texas Rangers’ clubhouse [The Dallas Morning News]