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Arrogant A**hole From New York Daily News Points Out Cultural Superiority Of New York City Over Indianapolis

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Can this douchebag, Matt Lysiak, actually be serious with this bit? I have already previously discussed his column where he details how the cuisine options in Indianapolis pale in comparison to New York City, but yesterday’s column, “Indianapolis vs. New York City: Nothing to see for tourist in Hoosier Country” more than typifies the aloof, pompous and smug attitude one would expect if imagining how the most basic caricature of the stereotypical New Yorker would act.

I suppose the underlying point that this column is aspiring to is to give New Yorkers coming into town for the AFC Championship Game a head’s up on what there is to do in Indianapolis, except it comes off merely as a reason for Lysiak to show contempt for Middle America and anything that isn’t as good as what you could find in New York. Clearly, the options for sightseeing and recreational activities available in Indianapolis, Indiana are not even going to be in the same stratosphere as those available in New York, so what was the point of this column other than to mock and ridicule a city and a population whohappen to live in a town that cannot live up to the lofty standards imposed by a person who comes from perhaps the most famous city in the world?

Don’t get me wrong, I would much rather visit New York City than Indianapolis, but that’s not the point here. The column Lysiak wrote didn’t need to be written. He’s not telling us anything we don’t already know. It’s simply a reason to take a bunch of potshots at people whom Lysiak obviously feels vastly superior to – bravo.

But don’t take my word for it. Let’s take a look, point-by-point at Lysiak’s loathsome characterization of how he has been spending his time in Indianapolis.

INDIANAPOLIS – If you’re headed here for Sunday’s big game, take a tip from me: Don’t waste time sightseeing.

Thanks. I would assume the drunken louts that masquerade as Jets fans would simply prefer to find a local watering hole where they could get completely shitfaced so they can summon up the courage through an inebriated form of pack mentality to talk to a woman only to proceed to ask her to take her top off.

Being a tourist in Hoosier Country is about as exciting as, well, watching corn grow.

Ha! Corn! They grow corn there and watching corn grow is probably boring! Like being a tourist there!

Oh, sure, Indianapolis has horse-drawn carriages just like the ones in Central Park, but get a load of the “unique cultural landmarks” the drivers promise to show you.

That’s where you are wrong, man who fulfills negative stereotypes of pompous East Coasters. In actuality, horse-drawn carriages remain quite popular as a means of conveyance in the flyover states. Some Midwesterners are still intimidated by these so-called horseless carriages.

“Look, there is the first Starbucks,” my hack, Ernesto, said with a laugh.

Nice try, dude. You have to get up pretty early to fool me. There is no way someone named Ernesto lives in Indianapolis.

I should have had him stop for some java, just so I could stay awake for the rest of the tour.

Java? What is this java you speak of? In the Midwest, we call it hot bean water.

There was the 284-foot Indian and Soldier monument that marks the middle of the downtown, built in 1902 to honor soldiers and sailors who served in the Civil and Spanish-American wars.

A monument honoring the military and the heroic deeds of Americans? How very droll.

It wasn’t the the Statue of Liberty, but at least it’s better than the countless chain restaurants like Hooters that pass for attractions around here.

I’m sure the citizens of Indianapolis feel very blessed at your display of benevolence. May they touch the hem of your garment? What kind of magical material is that anyway? It’s not denim or leather! It’s something…softer. Cot-ton?

The only reminder of New York came at the end of the 25-minute ride when the driver mugged me for $50.

He mugged you in broad daylight? Find the local constable and report him! A posse must be formed! You know his name is Ernesto. Oh yeah, that was probably an alias. For a streetwise New Yorker, you really walked into that one, buddy.

What a ripoff – but not as big a scam as Indianapolis’ tallest building, about as undersized as the Colts’ defensive front.

Zing!

Skip a trip to the top floor of the 48-story Chase Tower. Instead of an observation deck like the one on our majestic 102-story Empire State Building, their squat “skyscraper” has a law office. A law office!

Lawyers? In an office building? What the? And who knew they needed fancy lawyerin’ in Indianapolis? Don’t they settle all their disputes by either a duel or who has the bigger angry mob armed with torches and pitchforks?

I didn’t fare much better at the museums.

I feel so bad for you.

The Museum of Art had European impressionist paintings, but it looks like a well-organized tag sale compared with the Met.

I don’t see the point of even bothering to have a museum if it cannot be as grand and be filled with as many works of art as one of the largest and most prestigious museums in the world. I say burn the sucker down. Where is that angry mob with pitchforks and torches?

The Indianapolis Motor Speedway Hall of Fame Museum is a treat for those who love race cars, trophies and tracks. Yeah, me neither.

When I travel, I always make it a point to visit places I have no interest in whatsoever.

Still, any city with its own Super Hero Museum can’t be all bad, right? Wrong.

Drat! You button-hooked me there, I didn’t know you were going to button-hook me.

After Googling for directions, I discovered that the only museum in the world with a replica Batmobile closed a year ago.

Google has directions for how to get from one place to another in Indianapolis? What’s the point? Old Man Jenkins down at the sawmill on Main Street could have pointed you in the right direction.

So I moved on to the big recreational activity in town – getting lost in cornfields. No joke.

You’re joking. Wait, you said no joke? You’re serious? Although I have never been to Indianapolis, if it’s anything like other cities in the Midwest, the town shuts down whenever there is a new moon so residents can go pay tribute to the Corn God by luring weary travelers into the maze and sacrificing them. Outlander!!!

Surprise! – even the 15-acre corn maze at nearby Lark Ranch was closed until September. It has to do with something locals call a growing season.

I know! Food actually has to grow! It just doesn’t magically appear at the bodega down the street. Who woulda thunk it? I guess the Corn God must be displeased with His worshipers. He wants more sacrifices, dammit.

Still, it wasn’t a complete loss. There was one landmark worth seeing.

Now you’re just being nice.

The Slippery Noodle Inn on Meridian St. has been playing live blues since 1850. The life-size statues of Jake and Elwood Blues of “Blues Brothers” fame are worth the price of admission.

The price of admission? Five bees, since nickels have pictures of of bumblebees on ’em ’round these here parts.

The one sight I really came to see is still on my list. I’ll have to wait until Sunday to cross off Lucas Oil Stadium – and the Colts.

So, you traveled all the way to Indianapolis to watch a football game and you’re actually planning on going to it? You New Yorkers with your fast-paced living and go-go attitudes.

In the meantime, who do I speak with to find out about cow tipping?

Brilliant. There is no way oneĀ  can show utter contempt for the Midwest without a cow-tipping joke. Well played, good sir. But it’s not like you need me telling you that. You’re from New York City – you already know that you’re awesome.

Indianapolis vs. New York City: Nothing to see for tourist in Hoosier Country [New York Daily News]