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Warning: Be Careful When Choosing Which Super Bowl Party You Plan On Attending

SuperBowl Party1

A word to the wise: never accept an invitation to attend a Super Bowl party hosted by a person or couple who are not die-hard football fans.

It happens every year a few weeks prior to the Super Bowl. Your wife, husband, significant other or your pet ferret who serves as your only companion in life informs you that so-and-so is having a Super Bowl party and is wondering if you would like to attend. More often than not, you can come up with a good excuse, thereby avoiding the situation altogether. Unfortunately, you cannot be so lucky every time and you find yourself absolutely miserable praying for a meteor or an accidentally-on-purpose swallowed chicken wing bone to put you out of your misery.

And it’s news like this that illustrates why you should always proceed with extreme caution when deciding whether or not you should accept a Super Bowl party invite:

Most people prefer the commercials to the actual game.

From a study by Nielsen Media Research, the company responsible for the measurement of ratings (via Sports Media Blog):

The majority of Super Bowl viewers enjoy the game’s ads more than the action on the field, according to results of a survey released today by The Nielsen Company. Fifty-one percent of those questioned said they most enjoy the commercials that air throughout the game when compared to the Super Bowl game itself. Forty-nine percent said that they enjoy the game more than the ads. Results were based on a sample of over 25,000 households in Nielsen’s Homescan panel.

“This survey reinforces the value of the Super Bowl as a marketing bonanza, featuring one of the most receptive TV audiences in the world,” said Randall Beard, executive vice president of Nielsen IAG. “With so many viewers waiting for the pitch, the pressure is on advertisers to create and place ads that will have a lasting impact.”

In a way, the results of Nielsen’s research are hardly surprising. Most of the buzz leading up to the Super Bowl is all about the commercials, and for the most part, it is at least somewhat warranted. Throw in a clunker of a game and the stage is set for what everyone will be talking about the  next day.

Even devoted football fans fall into this trap. But the heart of what I’m getting at is this: it’s those people who go into watching the Super Bowl not giving a crap about the game at all are the people – and their lame-ass parties – you should avoid. If the commercials are awesome, great; but if that is the only reason a person is sitting down to watch, that’s an incredibly irritating and frustrating experience just waiting to happen.

You know the type. The kind of people who eschew convenient, easy-to-eat appetizers and actually plan a sit-down dinner. It reminds of the “Sunday at Ruxin’s” episode of The League when Ruxin invites the gang over to watch football and his wife prepares a huge, six-course meal and they forbid their guests from watching football while eating. Who does that? People you don’t want to watch the Super Bowl with, that’s who.

These are also the kind of people who, because they don’t care about the game, talk incessantly throughout the actual football action and then shush everyone when the commercials start. It could be the greatest play in Super Bowl history and they have no idea what is happening, completely oblivious to what they are missing. Screw those people.

And screw the people who don’t have things planned for their kids during the Super Bowl. I have kids myself but if I ever planned a Super Bowl party, I would make damn sure I had at least 6 hours of activities planned ahead of time. “You want t0 watch the Saw movies? Sure! No, 10 is plenty old. What’s that? You would like to have caramel rolls and Cheetos and Kool-Aid for dinner and eat in the den on the brand new carpet ? Have fun. Stay out of the living room.”

Otherwise, plan on dealing with this annoying situation played-out over and over again:

Host: “Son, get out of the way of the television. No, I mean it this time. No, I don’t want to see you do “Pants on the Ground” again. Yes, it’s funny, but son…son…son…now, son, listen to me. Stop jumping up and down. No, you can’t have the remote. Son? Okay, fine, one more time. He never behaves like this. I don’t know what’s the deal with him today.”

Here’s the deal, genius. There are a bunch of people over at his house and he wants to be the center of attention. Shocking, right? Keep him and all the other rugrats busy, capiche? I didn’t come over here for a play date – I came over because you invited to a Super Bowl party. That’s why my kids are at Grandma and Grandpa’s tonight.

And the worst people? Those who don’t even deserve to see another Monday? The “No Booze Or Not Enough Booze Hosts.” Obviously, you run into these assholes more often with people who have kids, but it can just as likely happen with single people. And the most aggravating part is when you ask them if you should bring something:

You: Looking forward to tomorrow. Do you want me to bring anything?

Host: Nope. We got it all covered. Just show up.

You: Are you sure? I’m about to go run some errands, so it’s no trouble?

Host: Nah.

See, I live in Minnesota, where for what has to be the dumbest reason in the history of mankind, the liquor stores aren’t open. So once Super Bowl Sunday arrives, if I don’t have the requisite amount of beer, hard liquor and Dr. McGillicuddy’s on hand to get me through the game, I’m screwed. So you show up at their house and start scavenging around the kitchen and you’re lucky to find a six-pack of Michelob Ultra to go around for everyone. Or wine. I love wine, don’t get me wrong, but wine is not an appropriate beverage for a football game. You tell yourself every time you are not going to fall into the no-booze trap again, but time after time, you make the same critical mistake. Thanks for DTs, jerk-off.

I guess all I am saying is be wary what Super Bowl party you plan on attending. Over 90% of people you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis are complete morons, but that doesn’t mean you have to watch the biggest sporting event of the year with them.

Super Bowl commercials rate higher than the games! [Sports Media Blog]
Survey: Most Super Bowl Viewers Tune in for the Commercials [Nielsen]