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Jay Mariotti Would Like You To Know That Tiger Woods Probably Isn’t Masturbating

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From Mariotti’s column, “Tiger a Sex Addict? Career May Shrink,” (is the “shrink” reference innuendo? I can’t tell):

Getting help means he’s at least trying, even to the point of reportedly signing a “celibacy contract” prohibiting all sexual activity while being treated, including masturbation for those keeping score at home.

Giggle if you must.

Oh, I will, Mariotti. As you write, I must, in fact. The reason? Because I am keeping score at home and on my Tiger Woods Sex Addiction Bingo card, “Not Masturbating” was all I needed to win. BINGO! Take that, Grandma!

Up next in Jay’s column, a Buzz Bissinger sighting!

As author Buzz Bissinger points out in Vanity Fair, Woods wasn’t simply an athlete fooling around on his trophy wife. He writes:

“Tiger’s story has been driven by sex, tons of it, in allegedly all different varieties: threesomes in which he greatly enjoyed girl-on-girl, and mild S&M (featuring hair-pulling and spanking); $60,000 pay-for-sex escort dates; a quickie against the side of a car in a church parking lot; a preference for porn stars and nightclub waitresses, virtually all of them with lips almost as thick as their very full breasts; drug-bolstered encounters designed to make him even more of a conquistador (Ambien, of all things); immature sex-text messages (‘Send me something naughty … Go to the bathroom and take [a picture],’ ‘I will wear you out … When was the last time you got [laid]?’); soulful confessions that he got married only for image and was bored with his wife; regular payments of between $5,000 and $10,000 each month to keep his harem quiet.”

Whewww! I’m exhausted just reading all that.

I bet he is exhausted. I bet he is. And fresh out of Kleenex, weeping and feeling a bit ashamed , I reckon.

Ugh. That’s nasty.

Tiger a Sex Addict? Career May Shrink [Jay Mariotti Fanhouse]