Sportress of Blogitude

The Rock Will Be At The NHL Store In NYC Today If You Would Like The Chance To Beat His Ass For ‘Tooth Fairy’

tooth fairy

At 5:00 today and spending an entire half-hour (!) at the lamely-named “NHL Powered By Reebok” store in Manhattan, Dwayne Johnson a/k/a The Rock a/k/a Box Office Poison will be making an appearance to promote his latest film, the celluloid afterbirth known as Tooth Fairy. For those of you lucky enough to have managed to avoid this film like the cinematic black death that it is, here’s a synopsis:

In “Tooth Fairy,” Johnson plays pro hockey player Derek Thompson, a minor-league enforcer who earns the nickname “Tooth Fairy” for knocking out the teeth of his opponents. His hockey career and life change forever when he is forced to become a real Tooth Fairy as punishment for his overly aggressive ways.

Clearly, I do not feel the need to belabor the point that this might rank up there as one of the worst ideas for a movie ever, the fact that the NHL feels the need to attach themselves to this movie simply because the main character happens to be a hockey player should come as no surprise to anyone who has watched the NHL blow opportunity after opportunity to turn itself into a more relevant, mainstream sport. Let’s not forget they also hitched their wagon to the star that was the Mike Myers vanity project, The Love Guru. If the marketing wizards of the NHL collectively had half a brain among them, a wiser move would have been to act like this movie never existed.

But there you go, that’s the NHL for you. “Oooh, something that’s tangentially related to hockey? Sign us up!”

Now as I mentioned, The Rock (isn’t it time he gave up that moniker, by the way?) will only be at the store for 30 minutes – he must have a previous commitment to burn down a museum or spit on babies or something – so I would get there as early as possible if you would like to pound the shit out of this douchebag. I know, I know, Johnson played defensive tackle for the Miami Hurricanes and was a professional wrestler and all that, but this guy’s self-esteem and sense of masculinity must be at an all-time low after signing up to take part in this disaster.

And one additional example of Johnson’s colossal douchetardery –  don’t even bother bringing your Race to Witch Mountain memorabilia – Johnson will not be signing anything or posing for any photos. He will only be taking questions. Here, I have a suggestion for anyone can make it to the appearance:

You: Hey Rock, long-time fan. So, when exactly did it happen that you cared more about a middling payday than your reputation?

Johnson: What’s that?

You: You know, when you sacrificed your manhood and dignity by surrendering your cock and balls to your Hollywood agent?

Johnson: You’re asking for it, kid. And why are you wearing nothing except high-heeled boots, a studded bra and chaps?

You: That’s not important right now. You’re a jerk! Thanks for nothing!

See? That would be awesome, wouldn’t it? Although I question your motives for wearing such an outrageous outfit out in public. You’re kind of a weirdo, dude, you realize that, right?

Alternatively, you could just show up and see if you can score the digits for the knockout starlet that co-stars in the film with him. Ashley Judd? Screw that noise. Of course, I’m referring to Julie Andrews. Who wouldn’t give their left nut to hit that piece of Hollywood royalty?

“Tooth Fairy” star Johnson at NHL store Wed. []