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I Sure Wish Mercury Morris Would Write Me A Letter

mercury-morris

With the Indianapolis Colts getting to 14-0 after last night’s victory over the Jaguars and the New Orleans Saints sitting at 13-0 heading into their game against the typically-struggling-in-December Dallas Cowboys, it is now time for one of the more irritating aspects of occasions when NFL teams are within arm’s reach of a perfect regular season to rear its ugly head:

Far too many sightings of former Dolphins running back Mercury Morris running his mouth. Only this time, he’s turning to the written word to articulate his unhappiness with how certain media members are not giving his beloved Dolphins team the respect they deserve.

For the uninitiated, Mercury Morris was a member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins team that went 17-0 en route to a 17-14 victory over the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII, the only team to finish an NFL season with an unblemished record. And he will let you know that, over and over and over again.

The guy will be everywhere and anywhere in the coming weeks. Nick Buoniconti, Morris’ old teammate, insists that not only is Morris happy to talk anyone who is willing to listen and arrogantly detail why the undefeated ’72 Miami Dolphins team is far superior to any team that may accomplish the same feat now, Buoniconti claims that Morris “…revels in it. That’s Merc’s existence.”

Morris is no stranger to anyone who follows the NFL. You will start hearing his name casually mentioned after a team gets to 8-0 or 9-0. Morris will begin to make his rounds, endlessly bloviating about the superior nature of the 1972 Dolphins. Morris is actually the host of the “Official Fansite of the 1972 Miami Dolphins” whose url address is incredibly pompous mercurymorris22.com.

Well, given the backstory, it should come as no surprise to you that Morris is back at it once again, and as mentioned above he’s now writing letters.

Morris has written angry letters (are there any other kind in this day and age?) to two prominent members of the media: NBC’s Bob Costas and ESPN’s Trey Wingo. Via The Miami Herald:

He recently wrote to NBC’s Bob Costas objecting to Costas saying the Saints could “supplant” the 1972 team. “Supplant means take the place of!” Morris protested.

Costas said by phone, “No one can supplant them. I agree. In no way would I intentionally slight this historic [Dolphins] achievement.” Costas said he should have said “surpass” because an unbeaten team would now go 19-0, compared with Miami’s 17-0.

Morris also wrote to ESPN’s Trey Wingo complaining when Wingo discussed the likelihood of a team going undefeated. “It’s quantum physics” and Wingo cannot measure it, Morris asserted.

Morris said “it doesn’t matter” if a team goes undefeated this season: We’re the first house on the block. That would be the second. We would be neighbors.”

Morris is referring to the analogy that only the Dolphins live in the fictional setting of Perfectville, which was beaten to death during the 2007 run of the Patriots, when New England went 18-0 but came up just short of perfection, losing to the Giants 17-14 in Super Bowl XLII. Somebody thought it was a good idea to give Morris an even larger pedestal by filming these two commercials:

After the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the following commercial was put in heavy rotation:

Ugh. To be honest, I was happy when the Patriots didn’t go 19-0, but in retrospect, I wish they would have accomplished the feat so I wouldn’t have had to hear from Mercury Morris ever again.

Ahhh, who am I kidding? Nothing would shut up this blowhard egomaniac. Even if the Pats had done it, he would still worm is way into the media landscape this season.

So, with that in mind, I am going to try my damnedest to get Mercury Morris to write me an angry letter, or at the very least shoot me an e-mail. So, if there is anyone out there that can somehow manage to make Morris aware of the following Mercury-directed haterade, please do so. I understand I am a small fish in a big pond, but maybe, just maybe, Mercury will catch wind of this and feel compelled to respond.

Mercury,

Shut the fuck up. No one cares about your stupid 1972 Dolphins team. If you want to pop a bottle of bubbly with your still-surviving teammates when an undefeated team loses a game, go right ahead. It’s just that we don’t need to hear about it anymore. Go choke on a bag of cocks.

Yes, we are all aware – now painfully, because of you, asshole – of the fact that the 1972 Dolphins were a great team – perhaps one of the greatest of all-time, but enough already. It was 38 years ago, for fuck’s sake. Give it a rest. Your time has passed. It’s a different era. Some may argue, given the parity that now exists in the NFL, that it is even more difficult now to go undefeated than it was back when you played.

Do you know what else? I bet Don Shula hates your guts. The man epitomizes class and dignity, qualities which you seem to lack.

And one more thing: screw you for making me agree with Bob Costas, that little midget bastard.

Go fuck yourself. Shut the hell up and just go away.

Sincerely,

Weed Against Speed

P.S. Tell Larry Csonka I said hello. He seems like an alright guy.

Whew. I feel much better now. I am not really holding out any hope that Morris will read this, but it sure felt nice to get it off my chest.

Mercury Morris loves when the perfect storm hits [The Miami Herald]