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With Berman Doing Commericials For Them, I Now Have One More Reason To Never Step Foot In An Applebee’s

Boomer

First off, I am aware that making fun of Berman is as easy as shooting fish in a leather barrell, but this Applebee’s commercial so perfectly encompasses all that is irritatingĀ  about the Berminator, I would be remiss not to hammer on it. For those of you who haven’t seen the commercial where Berman extols all of the wonderful things about a chain restaurant where it costs you $12 for a burger, or if you are simply a twisted masochistic freak, you can see the commercial here.

Berman has been brought on board by Applebee’s to promote their “2 for $20” promotion (it’s Boomer’s “Top Pick This Season” people!), where you can get an appetizer and two entrees for, wait for it, $20.

Boomer2

The problem is, it’s not two entrees for twenty bucks. It’s two entrees and an appetizer for twenty dollars. The appetizer is completely left out of the promotion’s name. Shouldn’t it “Applebee’s 2 Plus Artery-Clogging Cheese-Dippy Plate Of Shit for $20”? Yeah, that probably too wordy, but I never said I was an advertising genius.

Ooh! And look! Berman bestows witty little nicknames to characters in the commercial! (incorporating Berman Bit #1 accomplished)

Wing Master

It’s Dan “Wing Master” Wilson! He feels pretty cool that Berman gave him a nickname. And he likes wings. So much, in fact, that he is a “Wing Master.” He’s the type of guy that will engorge the entire wing and/or drummy in his mouth at once, slurping off all the meat, cartilage and skin in one gluttonous maneuver. But wait, he’s got a buddy.

App-Attcker

Yeah, that’s right Joe “App-Attacker” Davis – you’re the man. Berman sees you pointing at him. He’s aware that you know he’s referring to you and your appetizer attack-edness. Which is a considerably better than his nickname in college, Joe “Nap Attacker” Davis, due to his penchant of breaking into the dorm rooms of sleeping girls and sexually assaulting him. Thankfully, he managed to get those charges expunged off his criminal records or he never would have had the opportunity to appear in a commercial with a well-respected ESPN personality. The World Wide Leader is very careful about who is allowed to associate with their on-air talent.

And of course, there is the obligatory “make an action that is not athletically-related at all the subject of a replay and analyze it like it is a play in sports.” (incorporating Berman Bit #2 accomplished)

Block

Any man that would attempt to pilfer food off another man’s plate at a restaurant – check that – at any time, anywhere, ever – should be tied up, blindfolded, beaten senselessly and chemically castrated. Who would ever try pulling a stunt like that?

And remember, you could “score!” with some boneless buffalo wings, 7-ounce house sirloin and three cheese chicken penne. You don’t need me to tell you, but apparently Berman does that this deal COULD…GO…ALL…THE…WAY!!! (incorporating Berman Bit #3 accomplished)

Finally, in case 20 sports references in a 30-second commercial was not enough for you…

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SCORE!!!!

Yep, this commercial is a whole lotta wrong. It’s stupid, pandering bullcrap thought up by people who somehow think the average person still finds Berman a compelling personality. Christ, just the other day, my mom of all people mentioned how she can’t stand his shtick anymore.

Speaking of shtick, does anybody else find it interesting that Berman pimps NutriSystem and Applebee’s? That doesn’t seem right. Although they do have something in common: Nutrisystem makes you lose weight because the food tastes terrible and Applebee’s makes you lose weight because you generally cannot afford food for the rest of the week after eating a meal there.

I guess that’s what the “2 for $20” deal is all about – score!

One last rant about Applebee’s and restaurants of that ilk: don’t ask me how I want my burger done if you refuse to prepare it the way I want it cooked. Here’s a typical exchange at one of these shitholes:

Me: I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.

Server: And how would you like that prepared?

Me: Medium-rare to medium.

Server: I’m sorry, we cannot prepare your burger to that degree of doneness. You can have it slightly pink or charred until it resembles a piece of jerky that was left out in the sun for 6 hours.

Me: Okay, whatever, I’ll have it slightly pink, but with some juice left in it.

Server: Slightly pink with no juice or flavor whatsoever it is!

Fuck that shit.