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Tony Reali Writes A Fantasy Football Column For The Philly Inquirer?

tony reali

If there is somebody that works at tWWL who could considered “cool,” it would Tony Reali. The New Jersey native has managed to avoid any noteworthy controversies and subsequently has not been subjected to getting chewed up and spit out by the blogosphere.  You could say Reali leads a charmed life of sorts: a high profile gig at ESPN without any of the mess.

Reali has also parlayed his success at ESPN into a writing gig at the Philadelphia Inquirer, where he apparently writes a weekly fantasy football column cleverly called “Reali-ty of Fantasy.” And let me tell you, he peppers it with so many pop culture references it makes you think that he got a crash course in writing at the Bill Simmons Institute of Fancy Writing for the Internet. It’s not that it’s a bad column – in fact, it’s pretty good – it’s just that he lays it on pretty thick. And believe me, I would know – I’m as guilty at doing that as anyone.

The bulk of the column consists of Reali answering reader’s questions regarding their fantasy teams, which is hardly groundbreaking and perhaps that is why Reali feels compelled to spice it up a bit. Here’s a sampling:

thebear: My lineup has 5 Saints. Have I violated the “too many players from one team” rule?

N to the O. That would be like Hugh Hefner asking if he’s violated the “too-many-hotties-in-one-mansion” rule. If Donnie Brasco taught us anything, it’s that there are friends of mine and friends of ours. And Sean Payton is a friend of ours. 7 touchdowns for 7 players (unlucky Pierre!) is no fugazi.

Hugh Hefner and Donnie Brasco in one answer? Nice. I haven’t been this impressed since, um, that one dude beat that one chick and one a million bucks on Survivor.

Dammit! That’s a horrible reference! How does he do it?

DerekStepan: I hate when unofficial stats cause a team to go from being up four points on Sunday to down two points Monday morning.

It’s like turning off the lights with Beyoncé and waking up with Lady GaGa. (Although I’ll have you know, GaGa’s Adam’s apple wasn’t as pronounced as I thought it would be in concert.) As a member of the Stat Community let me say I’m sorry for your loss. We do this because we live long and dateless in our mothers’ basements.

Now hold on a second, Reali. Mother’s basements are the realm of the blogger, not the Stat Community. Don’t even try to bogart our dominion, good sir. Find another stereotypical location for your kind to call your own. How about dads’ attics? No one is using that one.

mjbtompkins: I’m 2-4, 9th of 10 teams, but scored the 2nd most points. It this the low point?

It’s a low point but not the low point. That would be performing the dance routine to Billy Squirer’s Rock Me Tonite at a high school talent show.

Billy Squier? The hell? I will not stand idly by while you disparage the reputation of the rock god. Further, the moves The Squie displays in “My Kinda Lover” are far more subdued, which although would be much less awkward, would fare much worse at an event demanding a theatrical performance. Think about it, man.

Loganw2324: Finally Mendenhall starts over “Slow Willie Parker.” He’s Tecmo Bo Jackson the rest of the year. I’m beyond happy.

I share your happiness and speak your 8-bit language. Look out, though. His 2nd-half schedule looks like Lil’s Mac’s 3rd circuit – Piston Honda2, Soda Popinski, DonFlamenco2, Bald Bull 2, Mr. Sandman. (Yep, I just combo’d Tecmo into Punchout.)

Combo’d Tecmo into Punchout? Sha-zaaam! Putting those two games together is akin to likening Duck Hunt to Big Buck Hunter. See, I can do it too.

mmmoss44: Thanks to his Monday night performance, my new team name is Eddie Royal with Cheese.

Check out the big brain on mmmoss44. You sound like a character. But just because you are a character doesn’t mean you have character. Now bring out the gimp.

C’mon man. Jules never crosses paths with the Gimp. Keep your Pulp Fiction characters straight, dude.

Fearless stupid prediction

Ronnie Brown to outpoint everyone on the field in the Saints-Dolphins game. I was just listening to Eddie Money and could have sworn he said “just like Ronnie scored 3 touchdowns . . . just like Ronnie scored 3 touchdowns.”

Whoa there, buddy. The Official Rules of 1980s Rock Singer References clearly states that you are allowed only one reference per column. Don’t even try sneaking that Eddie Money shit in there at the end. If anything, go with a Boz Scaggs reference earlier in the column and you would have been free to go with the Money. And “Take Me Home Tonight” is so played, dude. If you want to show your love for Eddie Money, “Baby Hold On” or even “Two Tickets To Paradise” would show that you have been with him from the beginning.

A few near-misses, but all in all, not bad. You got potential, Reali. Keep it up, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you write a weekly fantasy football post for the Sportress. Shoot me an e-mail, Stat Boy, and you might just find yourself caught up in the wondrous and magical world of sports blogging.

Tony Reali: It’s a fantasy world — we just live in it [Philadelphia Inquirer]