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The Chicago Tribune’s Rick Morrissey Is In Love With Jay Cutler

Chicago Tribune

Before even getting to the column, let me answer the question posed in the headline: fuck and no.

Jay Cutler isn’t the next anything yet. And to compare him to Tom Brady at this point is idiotic at best. Let’s do a quick rundown of the two quarterbacks – nothing scientific or stats based, simply on the most basic observations.

Brady-Cutler

I have to be honest. The only reason I did that was so I could somehow incorporate that photo of Tom Brady – that never stops being funny.

But let’s get back to Morrissey.

The standard thinking is Cutler is the second coming of Brett Favre and thus must be given room to use all his considerable talents. That means big risks, big rewards and lots of excitement, some of which the Bears could do without. But after the last two games, he looks more like the second coming of Tom Brady.

And wouldn’t the Bears rather have that?

You can’t change a leopard’s spots, but you can shoot it with a tranquilizer gun. If Cutler could play with this much control, imagine what the Bears would be like if they ever landed a standout wide receiver or two.

You know, there’s nothing better than when someone starts making predictions about how an entire season is going to turn out based on three games.  Holy crap! Jay Cutler is 2-1 this season as a starter! If that doesn’t say he’s sure as shit the next Tom Brady, I don’t know what will ever convince you!

What amazes Morrissey the most is Cutler’s gentle, almost sensuous touch.

The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

A cannon dispensing velvet projectiles is an odd choice of words. If he really wanted to show his admiration for Cutler’s passing mastery, why didn’t he go with “a love gun ejaculating out dandelion spores of baby batter”? And even if Cutler can throw a football through a moving mail slot, all Morrissey wants to know is what Cutler would be willing to stick in his “male slot” and how precise he could be while doing it.

Alright, maybe I’m busting Morrissey’s chops a bit too much here, but let’s calm down a bit before we start annointing Jay Cutler the next multiple Super Bowl-winning quarterback. I know it’s been a while since Chicago has had a good quarterback, but that’s no reason to go crazy.

(note: you can find a great write-up by a Chicago writer lambasting Morrissey’s column over on Mouthpiece Blog)

Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? [Chicago Tribune]