Sportress of Blogitude

Jonathan Papelbon Fined $5,000 For Being A Slow Retard


Completely disregarding the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990, Major League Baseball has fined Jonathan Papelbon $5,000 for taking too long to get to the mound, which occurred Tuesday night in a game against the Tampa Bay Rays. This is Papelbon’s seventh violation of the rule and he’s mad as hell and isn’t sure when the fines are going to end.

“After this, I don’t know, man,” Papelbon said. “I think they’re going to call my parole officer and put me away.”

Is Papelbon seriously on parole or is this yet another example of how Papelbon’s “special needs” leaves him with a tenuous grip on reality?

Papelbon reportedly tore up the letter from MLB informing him of the fine. Apparently he believes that by tearing it up, the fine never happened. Once again, “special needs.”

“Game pace, pace of game, or something like that,” Papelbon said. “I don’t know why they keep coming after me. It’s probably because I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not obeying the rules. I’m taking too long getting to the rubber. You’re allowed 2:25 and I’m taking too long.”

Papelbon has refused to pay any fines up to this point and has indicated he’s not sure when he’ll pay up.

“I don’t feel like I should have to pay them, but eventually I’m going to have to pay them,” he said. “I’m way up there. Way more than 10 (thousand).”

This is why the courts generally appoint trustees to manage the money of chromosomely-challenged individuals.

Maybe Major League Baseball should cut the the guy some slack. He’s an inspiration to others like him and he should be commended for accomplishing so much with his life despite his handicaps. To be honest, I’m impressed that he doesn’t drool and throw temper tantrums on his way to the mound. We should all be proud of the little mouthbreather.

To settle the matter, I propose this solution: Major League Baseball agrees to waive the fines and Papelbon agrees to wear the David Wright Retard Helmet at all times.


It’s a win-win, really.

Pay it up, Papelbon [Boston Herald]