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Sportress of Blogitude

Catch-All Category

Last Call With Your Buddy Who Just Got Dumped By His Girlfriend

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You know the guy I’m talking about: he couldn’t stand the constant text messages, how he could never hang out with his buddies anymore and how all she did was nag, nag, nag. But now that she’s dumped his complaining ass, you can’t get him out of the house. Everything is “Tara this” and “Tara that.” It’s enough to drive you up the goddamn wall.

So, one day, you’ve finally had enough of listening to the piece of shit whine, so you decide to take him out for a night on the town. “Screw her,” you say, and to your surprise, he reluctantly agrees. The problem is you never know which side of the manic depressive personality you’re going to get: the pissed off one that’s going to go balls to the wall, drink like a fish and start a fight with some bouncer or the lowly loser who hides in the back of the booth and doesn’t talk to anyone.

May I introduce you to a composite of that lovable loser buddy we have all had at one time or another. Let’s call him “Todd.” Take it away, slappy.

“Hey guys. It’s really nice of you all to invite me out to Last Call tonight. Times have been kind of tough since Tara took off and left. If I only would have known what I did wrong I know I could change, but that fucking BITCH changed her cell phone number! Who does that?!?

But you know what? Tonight, I’m putting it all behind me. Yes sir, I’m turning over a new leaf and we’re gonna have fun, man! WOOOOOOO! Let’s do this, guys! What’s first? The strip club? Drinks? Oh, I get it. Let’s get something in our stomachs to soak up that booze, right?”

Blogetizers

Awesome! Those dudes are cool, man! What’s next?

The Entree

  • It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: “Dee Rides The Bus”

“Oh, Sweet Dee reminds me of Tara. God, I miss that harlot! Somebody get me a fucking shot before I go fucking crazy!”

Sorbet

  • Keira Knightley

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keira-knightley

full-keira-knightley

“Yanno guys, one day maybe I’ll meet Keira Knightley and she’ll understand me and what I’ve been through. You know what I mean? She seems like, I don’t know, like she gets it…does that make sense. I’m getting pretty ripped, guys…”

Music Brought To You By

  • The Smiths “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”

“That song is so true, so true. Tara!! Tara!!”

Okay, okay. That’s enough out of you, Todd. Go take a breather and have a smoke outside. Just don’t talk to the people in line again. No one cares that you cry yourself to sleep every night. Frankly, it’s embarrassing.

Alright, kiddos. Do what you do.

By the way, sorry about Todd. However, I do believe we did some good work here and got him on the right path. Maybe.