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Sweet Holy Hell, Yet Another Jeff George Column From Jason Whitlock

jason-whitlock

When is he ever going to learn?

Jason Whitlock must be feeling like he is living his own personal Groundhog Day, as he has elected to once-again write a column about his good buddy Jeff George. This time, after taking more than half the article to bemoan how he has been victimized by various groups, Whitlock  suggests that even if someone was dumb and/or desperate enough to take a flier on Jeff George, maybe the old laserarm wouldn’t be so quick to seize the opportunity.

On to the insanity, as we break down Whitlock’s column, “George deserves a shot, but does he want it?” Fire Joe Morgan-style.

No one who cares about me wants me to write another Jeff George column.

Don’t forget about the people who could give a rat’s-ass either, Jason. Enough already.

My mother tells me to give up and move on.

I agree. There’s no way you’re ever going to fit into those slim-fit jeans, man.

My friends and colleagues think I’ve thrown away enough credibility leading the Jeff George bandwagon.

Jason Whitlock has thrown more credibility away in the past year than the entire blogosphere has ever had! He’s also thrown away more chicken carcasses than KFC.

Bloggers suspect I’m on Jeff’s payroll.

I would have went with “on Jeff’s tip,” but to-may-to, to-mah-to.

I’m cursed.

Not so much. Morbid obesity is a treatable condition.

I’m loyal and I’m stubborn. When I believe in something or someone I support them to the bitter end.

At least until said person or former employer does something that slightly irritates him and then he will quickly burn bridges, accuse former colleagues of “bojanglin'” and gladly throw them under the bus.

Oh, when a cause looks hopeless to outsiders or my support has been betrayed in some small way, I might take a short break and regroup.

Three hours on the toilet hardly constitutes a short break. Jason calls it a “working lunch.”

But I don’t quit.

Jason Whitlock: the Energizer Bunny of self-righteous blowhards.

There’s glory in being the lone supporter of the longest of longshots.

There’s also a quiet dignity in keeping your big trap shut every once in a while.

And I’m a glory hound.

I would have went with Truffle Hog, but then again that would have nothing to do with what he is writing.

A little more than a week ago, Jeff George made news when Illinois coach Ron Zook…

Zoooooook!!

zookskiing

…a former NFL assistant, claimed he’d witnessed a Jeff George workout that proved the 1990 No. 1 overall pick could still play in the NFL.

Well, if the Zookenator said so…

Zook’s recommendation sparked a series of media interviews for George, including a spot on Jim Rome’s nationally syndicated radio show.

Jim Rome?? That dude is in your face whether you like it or not, bro. Wait, is it time for another “Smack Off” already? Rack me!

I wanted to write about George, my old high school teammate, last week.

Is this the spot where I queue up “Glory Days”? Yes? Okay.

(Sorry, after I saw that, I had to add it.)

Quite frankly…

Stop stealing Stephen A. Smith’s material, dammit! Just because no one has heard from him and months and he could possibly be dead doesn’t give you the right to steal his catch phrases.

…I was too embarrassed to do it.

This is coming from the guy that once rented out an entire Old Country Buffet for Sunday brunch because he was afraid they would run out of food.

I didn’t want to tell my boss, and I didn’t want to provide my blog critics with another round of ammo.

Yet he did it anyway. Interesting.

It’s been a rough summer.

Not a “Cruel Summer”? C’mon, Bananarama would have appreciated the reference, dude!

The price of sharing my original, politically incorrect ideas is a resting place on the hotseat.

“You know what I’m going to get you next Christmas, Jason? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.”

/The Ref

Feminists are convinced I’m sexist because I pointed out Selena Roberts’ A-Rod book was politically driven garbage.

Maybe they are peeved that you called Roberts “a feminist version of Al Sharpton.”

Black people believe I’m a sellout because I mentioned that Serena Williams is too bootylicious for tennis.

I don’t think Jason is ready for this jelly, I don’t think he’s ready for this jelly…unless it is generously slathered on some sort of deep-fried pastry, that is.

White people paint me as Al Sharpton’s little brother because rather than rush to protect the honor of America’s Sideline Barbie, Erin Andrews, I chose to point out the inherent bias in the sports blogosphere and at ESPN.

whitlock

Sometimes, pictures speak louder than words (any reason to post that piece of hilarity is a good enough reason for me).

And football fans in Tennessee want my scalp because I suggested Steve McNair needed to spend more time at home with his four kids.

Run for the hills! Football fans in Tennessee are a bunch of savage Native Americans!

I took a break last week. I knew if I shared my thoughts on Jeff George, you’d accuse me of insanity.

Yet here we are…

Yeah, I still think he can play in the NFL, even at age 41, even after not throwing a professional pass in a regular-season game since 2001.

What’s eight years, right? It’s the same amount of time since Whitlock last saw his penis without the assistance of a strategically-place mirror on the floor.

Jeff George’s right arm is still superior to all but a handful of NFL quarterbacks.

But is he selling tickets to the gun show?

Compared to the second- and third-string QBs in the league, Jeff George is Dan Marino in his prime.

Leave Marino out of this! Haven’t you seen the commercials? Dan has lost over 20 pounds thanks to NutriSystem, dammit!

For no other reason than to run the scout team and prepare a defense for Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, Jeff George should be on an NFL roster. Seriously, think of the third-string quarterback on your favorite football team.

John David Booty, baby! Speaking of Bootylicous, amirite?

Do you think he does a good job mimicking Peyton Manning the week the Colts are on the schedule?

If he’s borderline retarded and has Tourette’s Syndrome and Parkinson’s disease, possibly.

Do you think your third-string QB does a good job developing your young receivers?

Maybe not, but he’s also not a 41-year-old who hasn’t thrown a pass in the NFL for 8 years, so…

It’s criminal that Jeff George has been blackballed from the NFL primarily because his inadequacies as a leader prevented him from being a great starting quarterback.

Yeah, inadequate leadership ability is often overlooked as a positive trait of a successful NFL quarterback. It’s a shame, really.

I get it.

I don’t think you do.

The knock on George in his late 30s was that he was too talented to be a good backup and too maturity-flawed to be a reliable winner as a starter. He was an instant quarterback controversy as soon as he hit the practice field.

And NFL teams passed on this guy? What gives?

For a head coach, there was no upside.

Is Whitlock trying to disprove his own theory that Jeff George should be in the NFL? If so, he’s doing a bang-up job.

That’s no longer an issue. Jeff George is a backup quarterback. You only crack the glass in emergency situations.

Just like Whitlock’s Emergency Gravy Container.

He’s worth the risk. Maybe.

Well, is he or isn’t he? Stop straddling the fence, Jason! It’s gonna break!

Here’s my problem with Jeff George, my friend since childhood, my dear friend the past two decades.

Here we go…

I question how bad he really wants to play in the NFL.

So stop writing about him already.

Last week Jim Rome asked George the million-dollar question: Why not play in the United Football League?

Now Whitlock is just making imaginary football leagues up? Wait, seriously? There is?

Why not go out and prove you still have what it takes?

If an over-the-hill quarterback still has what it takes and no one is around to see it, did it really happen?

Jeff sidestepped the question and pretty much said he’s only interested in playing in the NFL.

I thought it was pretty low when Rome, frustrated by Jeff avoiding the questions, referred to him as Phyllis. At the same time, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.

I’d like to play romper room with Halle Berry.

Play Romper Room? What does that even mean? Does he want to take a nap with her on the floor or something?

But I’m not going without while I wait for Halle to figure out the toys in my oversized playpen provide ecstasy and joy.

Jason Whitlock, toys and ecstacy? The dude’s prostate massager probably looks like and is the same size as a goddaman plunger.

Somebody get me that bottle of mind bleach immediately.

During the past seven years, Jeff should’ve surfaced in the CFL or AFL. Hell, I’d have demanded a roster spot on the Madden video game.

How would that have helped? At this point, does Whitlock even realize he’s writing a column?

Pride cripples.

Best. Frank Zappa. Album. Ever.

I have an old Italian friend/mentor in Kansas City, Joe Mags.

He must be one of those real authentic Italian guys because he has a nickname, like Frankie Two Fingers or Sammy the Sauceman. That’s what we wops do, you know.

He owns a nightclub…

Are you allowed in his club, Jason? Or do you get thrown out of there as well?

…and quite a bit of real estate. He’s worth millions. At 73, he puts an apron on, serves food and drink, buses tables and treats every customer like he or she is the president of the United States.

C’mon, Whitlock. There’s no way he’s treating a woman like the President. Like that is ever going to happen.

He preaches that pride is the No. 1 killer of dreams.

Maybe so, but the number one killer in dreams will always be Freddie Krueger. Right?

freddy-krueger

Pride stops people from doing what’s necessary to achieve their goals.

Well that, money, opportunity or the ability to fit through the door, in Whitlock’s case.

The United Football League is perfect for Jeff George. It’s only going to have a six-game schedule this season. Legitimate, successful NFL coaches – Dennis Green, Jim Fassel, Jim Haslet and Ted Cottrell –

Let’s not go too far with the whole “successful” label here.

– are leading the four franchises. They put away their pride and joined an upstart league.

They must have met Joe Maggs.

They want back in the NFL just like Jeff George.

I want back in the OTB, but after the lastest incident, that ain’t happening either.

A month ago, I hosted Jeff’s annual charity dinner and auction…

How big of you.

…that benefits breast cancer research.

Why would Whitlock care about breast cancer research? That’s primarily a women’s health issue.

I suggested during the event that Jeff forget about football and take comfort in the fact that he and his wife, Teresa, have a beautiful marriage and are wonderful parents to their three children. I said his dedication to his family would define him as a man to the people who really know him, the people who really matter.

Keep smilin’, keep shinin’, knowing you can always count on me…

Pride never interferes with Jeff’s commitment to his family.

When I was younger, White Lion’s “Pride” album interfered with my commitment to apprecaite good music, but you don’t see me going on and on about it. ♪♪ Wait, wait, I never had a chance to love you ♪♪

It would take that level of commitment to resurrect his NFL career, and I just don’t think he has that in him.

He should talk to Brett Favre about that.

Unless that changes, this is my final Jeff George football column. I give up.

Bullshit.

George deserves a shot, but does he want it? [Fox Sports]
Jason Whitlock Leaves ESPN With Guns Ablaze [Deadspin]
Bio hazard: A-Rod author has credibility issues [Fox Sports]
Jason Whitlock’s Too Black For Kansas City Sometimes [Deaspin]