Sportress of Blogitude

Catch-All Category

Last Call With Vanessa Branch, The Orbit Gum Girl


I have to say it’s nice being back to my regular routine of being back at my place of employment, not working and writing posts. Things feel, well, normal. And that’s a good thing. We are all looking for that nice, consistent pattern that we can count on to help us carry on in this crazy world.

Which brings me to tonight’s Last Call. The one consistent thing that I perhaps missed more than anything while being up north was the always-reliable television. And there is nothing that makes television more interesting to watch, at least as far as the commercials are concerned, than an attractive spokesmodel for a product. Shit, I was this close to purchasing a Mercury Milan soley because of Jill Wagner, for Christ’s sake.

So, for tonight, due to my obsession with fresh breath and British accents, Last Call’s hostess with the mostest is none other than Vanessa Branch, whom you might know better as the Orbit Gum commercial gal. Take it away, Vanessa.

(awkward silence)

Vanessa? Are you there?

(more awkward silence)


Oh, you’re talking to me? I’m sorry, love. I’m not used to people referring to me by my real name. It’s always, “Orbit Girl!” or “I’ll give you something for your dirty mouth!” or some such nonsense. It’s bloody aggravating, but I suppose it comes with the territory. That’s what makes this so refreshing. I know that here on the Sportress I will be treated with the utmost dignity and respect.

Indeed. So, Vanessa, you’re the hostess tonight for Last Call on the Sportress of Blogitude…how does that make you feel?

In a word, Fabulous!

How did I know that was coming. If we’re going to play it that way, Miss Branch, what would you say your favorite part of a well-executed vaginal douche is?

Um, a good clean feeling, no matter what?

Exactly. Thanks, Miss Branch. We loved having you here. Please come back anytime.


Yes, dear. We get it.

On to the usual routine, shall we?


  • Everybody should take a moment to welcome Chuck Knoblockhead to the Style Points fraternity. [Style Points]
  • Be sure to head on over to Second-String Fullback for the feature, “The Preview Every Football Blog Does.” It looks like he’s made his way through the AFC and I’m sure the NFC is up next. Great work, samerochocinco. [Second-String Fullback]
  • How do you solve a problem like Twitter? ailanthus altissima does a great job discussing this complicated issue. [The Phoenix Pub]
  • LeNoceur brings us another riveting edition of “Dear Joe Thornton.” [Melt Your Face Off]

The Entree

  • Hedley & Wyche: The British Toothpaste


  • The Lovely and Talented Vanessa Branch




And there we have it. Welcome back.

Now, do what you do best, kiddos.