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College Football

It Will Be Just Like “The Bad News Bears Go To Japan” Only With More Spittle

bad-news-bears-go-to-japanangry-louSushi, modern rapid transit, schoolgirl underwear vending machines, Notre Dame football?

That’s right, Lou Holtz will be coaching a ragtag group of Notre Dame alumni against the Japanese national American football team in the Notre Dame Super Terrific Japan Happy Bowl.

Actually, it is simply called the Notre Dame Japan Bowl, which I think lacks the pizazz of my idea.

Holtz expects a tough game from the Japanese, but has complete confidence in his age-challenged team, including one Tony Rice, now 41, who will be Notre Dame’s starting quarterback.

“Their football has improved tremendously,” Holtz said Friday at Tokyo Dome. “They’ve looked at film, they understand the game … if we have an advantage it’s in the lines, but they are quicker and in better shape so I’m a little worried about the second half.”

They are playing in the Tokyo Dome? On turf? Knowing that, I would put the over/under on shredded knees before the end of the first quarter at 8.

Disappointingly, current Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis was not invited on the trip for fear that in doing so, he would awake Godzilla from his peaceful slumber as the giant beast would confuse Weis with his mortal enemy, Hedorah.

Either way, best of luck to Notre Dame as they try to vanquish their Japanese opponents. I heard they have drawn up some trick plays called Nagasaki and Hiroshima which are haphazard plays where Rice just throws bombs down the field.

Hopefully, a good old fashioned patented Lou Holtz “Pep Talk” will get the troops fired up.

Now, out of my way, all of you. This is no place for loafers! Join me or die! Can you do any less?

Lou Holtz, Notre Dame legends ready to face Japan [The Associated Press]