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This Just In: Joe Buck Apparently Likes The City Of St. Louis

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I understand that in the journalism business, pieces like this are referred to as “human interest” stories, the story behind the story, if you will. A way to illustrate and provide color to an otherwise straightforward event. Those journalists can call it whatever they want, I call this piece on Joe Buck in the USA Today some of the MOST MIND-BLOWING INFORMATION I HAVE EVER READ!

This bit of trivia may come as a surprise to many of you, but Joe Buck is from St. Louis. I know – crazy, right? Well, prepare to be shocked and awed – not only is he from St. Louis, he actually lives there now – and he likes it. Better than that, he loves it. You don’t give a column the headline “St. Louis a gateway to broadcaster Joe Buck’s heart” without making sure that it’s true. Although not once in all my years of devotedly following his career arc and meticulously searching high and low for every last piece of information I could find out about him had I come across this information.

Hold on…I’m getting a little too excited here…I have to do my exercises…excuse me a moment.

Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Buck, I shouldn’t want to grab a lock of his hair.

I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how good he was during last night’s All-Star Game, but I shouldn’t want to type the letter on a death certificate.

I should like watching Joe Buck Live a lot, but I shouldn’t have to masturbate at the end of every show.

I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn’t want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.

Woo! Much better. Really clears the head. Thanks, Dr. Phil!

So, anyway, I guess Joe Buck really likes living in St. Louis and spending time with his family. Buck was also very excited that his hometown was going to be able to showcase what makes it such a great city during All-Star festivities.

“I’m anxious for this game, and I’m anxious for this city to be able to beam with pride at the end,” said Buck, the lead voice on Fox baseball telecasts. “And I know it will. The people here appreciate good play.”

“I’m proud of this city,” Buck said. “I think anybody who grew up here or played here is proud to represent this town. It’s a town filled with really good people who, for our purposes, appreciate what they watch here.”

“I can’t imagine not living here,” Buck said. “I love traveling around, but I love coming back here. I love being around these people. It’s like one big family, and that’s so rare.”

Well I’m sold. I bet Joe Buck is really a man of the people in St. Louis. Residents of the city, if you see Joe Buck on the street, be sure to go up and shake his hand and slap him on the back – you are all one big family, right? He won’t mind – that is, unless he’s with his family.

  • Or not with them.
  • Or if he’s eating dinner with friends.
  • Or if he’s eating dinner alone.
  • Or if he’s in line at the dry cleaners.
  • Or if you’re a woman or a child.
  • Or if he’s at the strip club.
  • Or if you’re a minority.
  • Or if it’s raining and he’s trying to catch a cab.
  • Or if it’s sunny and he’s taking a leisurely stroll.
  • Or if he’s at an erotic massage parlor
  • Or if he avoids eye contact.
  • Or if he makes eye contact and orders you to look away
  • Or if he’s browsing simulated rape films at the neighborhood adult video store
  • Or if you’re not Troy Aikman.

Other than that, you’re good to go.

God, I just love that guy. Joe Buck’s the best!

St. Louis a gateway to broadcaster Joe Buck’s heart [USA Today]