Sportress of Blogitude

Catch-All Category

Last Call With The “I Don’t Have Enough Cash When The Tab Comes” Guy


Hello there, friends, and welcome to another Tuesday night Last Call here at the Sportress. As it has become a custom recently, I am turning over the reins of the Last Call intro to someone familiar to all of us: the guy in your group that when you go out drinking, insists on having a tab for the entire table. There is one of them in every group of friends, so without further ado, here’s Dave the “I Don’t Have Enough Cash When The Tab Comes” Guy.

Dudes! Aw, man, the bathroom was packed! Oh, the tab, huh? How much is it? 240 bucks? Holy shit, we ordered WAY too many rounds of shots tonight. Well, make that I did. So, how much is that apiece? We’re splitting it, right? I’m so buzzed up right now I couldn’t even begin to figure out which drinks I ordered and they’re starting to corral everyone out of here so maybe we should just split it evenly and go from there…sound good?

Alright, how many of us are there? Six? Okay, $240 divided by six is what, $80? What do you mean you only had six tap beers and that’s not fair? Those Buttery Nipples I ordered and put in front of you didn’t drink themselves, did they? No, I’m not a homo for ordering them and yeah, I understand the concept of buying rounds of drinks but we’re all friends here, right? What about that time I gave you a ride home from my house? Yeah, I know it’s because my landlord towed your car after I told you it was cool to park there but what gives? Bros before hoes, man, amirite? No, I’m not saying your car is a ho, it’s just that….c’mon man, are we cool?

Alright, $80…lemme see here…

(opens up wallet)

Aw man, I only have…$43. Aww, I totally spaced that I gave that chick $50 last night for a cab ride home from the bar last night – stupid bitch never called me either. So-uh, can you guys front me the rest and we can be on our merry way? You know I’m good for it…actually, I need this money because I have to pay my roommate back tomorrow for the money he lent me at the bar last week…how about you guys split it up and I’ll catch you when I get paid on Friday….cool?

Hey, who wants to go to Denny’s and grab some grub? I’m fucking starving, man, and I heard they have a radical new menu.

Speaking of menus, I guess I’m supposed to do some shit here where I tell you homos what’s on the agenda for Last Call tonight.


  • Skating Tomato discusses the New Jersey Devils and their recent hiring of Jacques Lemaire to fill their coaching vacancy. [The Rookies]
  • samerochocinco breaks the bad news that awesomely-named Stryker Sulak got cut by the Raiders. [Second-String Fullback]
  • Magnakai Haaskivi introduces us to the 2009 MLS All-Stars. [Avoiding the Drop]
  • First Derivative counts down the Top 5 songs heard at live events. [The Phoenix Pub]

The Main Course

  • LeVon & Barry and $240 worth of pudding. Awww yeah.


  • a double-dip of Isla Fisher



Music by:

  • Violent Femmes

Alrighty then, and away we go…