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Awwwww, Isn’t That Nauseating? Canucks Sign Sedin Twins To Twin Contracts

sedin-twins

I know that most puckheads are probably going apeshit over the 12-year, $62.8 million contract Marian Hossa signed with the Chicago Blackhawks (good luck signing both Toews and Kane to long-term deals now, ya morons), but I find the news of another free agent signing much more interesting completely gay:

Perpetuating one of the lamest stories in hockey, the Vancouver Canucks have re-signed identical twin brothers Daniel and Henrik Sedin to matching 5-year, $35 million deals. It’s enough to make me want to fucking puke.

For those not aware of the story, when the Sedin boys entered the 1999 draft then-General Manager of the Canucks, Brian Burke, was hell-bent on landing both brothers, and somehow managed to do so, securing the second and third overall picks in the draft. Word on the street is that to land one of the brothers this offseason required interested teams to sign both players, which certainly made it that much more difficult for either brother to catch on with a different team.

“We never said we were guys that wanted to go for the big money,” said Henrik, who added that no-movement clauses in the new deals were a key component. “Our families are important to us and we’ve been there a long time. For us it’s important to find a place we were happy. But at the same time we wanted to be treated fairly, and I think we have been.”

“Ooh, ooh, what would I ever do without my brother-wuther?” Grow a fucking pair, you candy-asses. I can see it that when they were younger and new to North America having your brother along would make the transition easier, but Henrik is now 28 years old (I’m not sure how old Daniel is – but I would guess they must be close in age).

I have no idea why it bugs me so much but it does. I’ve taken a moment to compile a list of a few other things the Sedin brothers insist on doing as a tandem, or at the very least need the other brother nearby:

  • they will only chew Doublemint gum
  • they absolutely have to be teammates in locker room ping pong – if they’re not, they take all the ping pong balls and pout
  • they insist on only interacting with other sets of twins – they would love to meet Tiki and Ronde Barber
  • they must share rooms on road trips and the suite must have bunk beds – Daniel always has to be on top
  • as is the custom in Sweden, they give each other daily prostate exams
  • they insist on wiping each other’s asses: it reminds them of how it is when they return to Sweden and momma does it for them
  • masturbating: when they jerk each other off, it’s sort of like “The Stranger” but not really

Fucktards.

Canucks sign Sedin twins to matching five-year deals [CBS Sports]
Hossa signs with the Blackhawks; massive chuckling ensues [Puck Daddy]