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New S.O.B. Feature: Weed Against Speed Answers Questions Posed In Headlines


Every once in while, a person (my mom) asks me, “How do you come up with new ideas for your blog?”

I have a blog. Sometimes, blogs need new features. I think about what sort of new feature I would like to do. I come up with a new feature. It’s just that simple!

Today, we roll out “Weed Against Speed Answers Questions Posed In Headlines”, or WASAQPIH for short. And no, I don’t know how to pronounce it. The premise is simple, really. I pick out headlines that pose a question and do my best to answer them with witty retorts. The name of the feature pretty much explains it – except for the witty retorts part – I didn’t want people to accuse me of lying in a feature title.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

From the USA Today: Which rookies will make deep impact?

Answer: Easy, the ones with the biggest cranks. Duh. Oh, and maybe these guys.

From NHL Fanhouse: Who Gets the First Cup Hand-Off?

Answer: One of the two girls. Probably whichever one is the hungriest.

From the Seattle Times: Will USC ever get it right?

Answer: No, no they won’t.

From Fanhouse: What Should We Expect From John Daly?

Answer: If they are referring to gift, my guess would be a one-year membership to the Chicken Wing of the Month Club. Nice.

From the Chicago Tribune: Do Chicago Bears need veteran backup quarterback?

Answer: Sure. Since Jay Cutler is their starting QB, my suggestion would be Wilford Brimley.

From the Los Angeles Times: Kobe Bryant shows many faces, but is this finally his time?

Answer: As long as it’s not his O-Face he’s showing us, I see no problem with this. Also, I wasn’t aware Kobe was so horrible at playing Peekaboo.

From Epic Carnival: Do you have what it takes to be a Silver Dancer?

Answer: Goddamn right I do – just take a look at my calves!

From the Philadelphia Inquirer: Ackerman: Is there anyone who is not imagining 2014?

Answer: Doomsday cults that consider 2013 the End of Days come to mind.

And finally:

From Fanhouse, once again: Roto Rush: Is David Ortiz Ready to Explode Onto the Scene?

Answer: I will say yes under either of the following conditions:

  1. He hasn’t busted a nut in over a week; or
  2. He’s set to star in Bukkake Bitches 24: Pow! Right In The Kisser!

Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

It was terrible? Yikes, that’s cold, man.