After Some Research, I Have Solved The Raul Ibanez Controversy: He’s Not Taking Steroids, He’s Feeding On Philadelphia’s Family Pets
This whole Raul Ibanez-steroids, blogger vs. mainstream media has officially become one hot mess. We all know now that Jerod Morris of the blog Midwest Sports Fans pored over Ibanez’s stats, ballpark data, etc., came to his own conclusion and wrote an incredibly detailed post regarding his findings. When these were relayed to Mr. Ibanez, it resulted in the slugger having a complete meltdown. Shit, Jerod Morris even got an appearance on ESPN’s Outside the Lines out of it.
Now, everybody who cares to has weighed in on the topic. These people are clearly far better writers and journalists than I will ever be, so I will not waste your time providing my opinion. What were their opinions, you ask? I don’t know – I didn’t read them.
Nope, instead, I used the time I would have spent reading their thoughts and instead used it to do some in-depth analysis to try to figure out what is the real cause of Raul Ibanez’s recent productivity surge.
Of course, I didn’t go the conventional route and look at baseball statistics, ballparks, pitching, etc. That ws already done by Mr. Morris, and he did a fine job of it. We can all agree that Ibanez is tearing it up this season. He’s vehemently denied taking steroids, so there has to be another reason, right? So I did what any intelligent blogger would do – I went and checked out craigslist – specifically the Lost & Found section – and you won’t believe what I discovered.
Here’ s the ugly truth, people: since late March of this year, the rate of cats and dogs going missing in the Philadelphia area has skyrocketed when compared to the same period of time last year. In fact, according to my calculations, they are up 26%*, which leads me to only one conclusion: Raul Ibanez is stealing these animals and feasting on their blood – and everyone knows that feeding on an animal’s blood gives you the power of that animal. There is simply no other explanation.
* (note: I actually grew bored with the research and just made that number up – but it could be accurate, right?)
So, do I get to be on Outside the Lines now, too?
No? Why not? Because I suck? That sucks, man.
The Curious Case of Raul Ibanez: Steroid Speculation Perhaps Unfair, but Great Start in 2009 Raising Eyebrows [Midwest Sports Fan]
I’m clean, angry Ibanez says [Philadelphia Inquirer]
Here’s what bothers me about the Raul Ibanez controversy [Big League Stew]
What’s eating Raul: The blogger and the steroid controversy [SI.com]
The difference between real journalists and “basement bloggers” [Seattle Times]